Friday, June 19, 2009

Since Now Is the Perfect Time to Prove This Point


The desert of Southern California gets its water from two places: Colorado and Northern California

Northern California sends water to Southern California down the California Aquaduct[see picture]

Up here, we are rationing water.

As in, we turn off the water between the beginning and end of our showers..otherwise, if we use too much, we get huge fines.

I am sure that if I went to Biola they would still be watering the sidewalks.

That is all I have to say.

Reading List and Summer Projects

So this summer I am attempting to read a number of books ... and once I get the reading list for the Trinity Meta-Torrey I shall be adding those into the top priority places. I plan to write on some of them [maybe all?? but that is too ambitious to set as a goal...i'll only frustrate myself!] So here is what I am reading:

Currently - Till We Have Faces ~ C.S. Lewis [such an amazing book...still not sure all that he is doing with it, want to read it again once i know the ending. But if you have not read this book -- READ IT!]

Future books:

At the Back of the North Wind ~ George MacDonald

Lilith ~ George MacDonald

Life of Moses ~ Gregory of Nyssa

The Problem of Pain ~ C.S. Lewis

Miracles ~ C.S. Lewis

The Holy Spirit: Eastern Christian Traditions ~ Dr. Stanley Burgess

The Holy Spirit: Ancient Christian Traditions ~ Dr. Stanley Burgess

Then some poetry by Eliot and MacDonald

So we shall see how that goes. I also have a number of projects going on this summer. With blogging I am wanting to finish up the series on Faith and the Faithfulness of God [for those of you following, this has a good ending, I promise] and also start a series called When Science Has No Answer that will be a series of documented miracles from our church for the purpose of archiving them and also having them to look back on and see God's faithfulness to help inspire my trust in Him for the future. I posted one a long time back about my sister's healing.

As for other projects, I am helping to lead a college group this summer so that is exciting. The focus is going to be service projects and ministry to the poor as we read and apply the book of Acts. I am really excited about some of the ideas that the group is coming up with...this is going to be a great summer in that respect!

Also *hopefully* making a music video for a local band called Signed by You. Their song Popular Demand is quite interesting and I look forward to collaborating with them to make this project. Its just that age old problem of time and money. meh.

Other than that I am working at Tuesday Morning still, taking a math class online, and trying to reconnect with family and friends.

And James is coming to visit in 16 days!!! Wooooooo!!!!! [not a project, but i'm still excited :) ]

Overall a lovely summer. Yes, a lovely summer indeed.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Faith Part II - The Problem of Job

~Behold, all that he has is in your hand~ Job 2:3


So I had fallen off the monkey bars [read post below for context]. Here was my problem…Job. I have never been so emotionally struck reading a book before. I cried and cried while reading the book [at this point I want to thank Katelynn Camp for her kindness in letting me cry on her futon]. I was at a breaking point when I opened up that book. My mom’s cancer was at a critical point excruciating pain forever in her voice over the phone, my sister had been talking to me just a few days ago, locked in her room with a 103 degree fever, shaking and crying because she was so afraid she would get my mom sick and that she would die. My Dad was overworked, trying to hold 2-3 jobs at a time just to pull my family through. I had finally begun to address personal issues in my life, and I was overwhelmed, convicted, condemned and afraid. I wanted things to settle down, but my family’s track record was not in favor of such. How did I know if once we got through this major illness, another one would not follow closely after its heels as it so often did? What the heck was God doing? Didn’t he see how my parents had sacrificed everything to serve him? How could he let a child so young as my little sister was suffer through such horrible pain and social stigma?

And then came Job…with his gut-wrenching questions of God. If I was feeling like I was suffering, how great the pain and sorrow of this dear man of God must have been. To have lost so much, so quickly. Where was the sin that he had committed? Job knew he was blameless before God, a man of righteousness, he had not horrendous sin to atone for [not to say he was perfect…but he was not hiding idols in his tent or some other gaping-hole-in-the-earth-swallows-man-and-family type of sin]. And his friends ramble and rant. And God stays silent.

The crucial problem that I have with this book lies in chapters 1-2. In the beginning of the book, as you all know, God and Satan talk. The conversation goes like this [abridged from ESV]: The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth…” “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away evil?” “Does Job fear God for no reason?...You have blessed the work of his hands…but stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” “Behold, all that he has is in your hand.”

Okay, so correct me if I was wrong, but it seemed like God was almost taunting Satan with Job. Why does He even bring Job up at all? To show off about how great some of his followers are? And if perhaps I am going too far here…in 2:3 God admits that Satan “incited me against [Job]. Why does Satan have this sort of ability? Should God, the almighty God, be able to be incited by Satan? What is God up to? It feels as if Milton is right that God is just using humanity to get one up on Satan. God could not possibly be so petty. And also, for those of you who have always heard [as I have] that Satan was the one who caused the suffering but God simply stood by and allowed it to happen…nay. In 42:11 the scripture says [and this is the narration not a person speaking…since many times in this book people say things that are quite faulty] “[they] comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him”. The context of this verse is at the very end, after Job has repented and given sacrifices to atone for his sinful friends and the Lord is restoring Job’s fortunes. So in the context of this seemingly resolved situation, God is given full, active responsibility for this suffering and evil. It sets up God as the giver of evil. Not Satan. And I had…and honestly still have…no idea what to do with this.

How do I trust a God who does this sort of thing? Who seems to allow so much suffering in my own life and in the lives of my dear friends. And my faith was shaken. For I had not ever truly believed and had firm foundation that God was good. I had been taught as much…but when it came to it, I don’t think I believed it. Or else, would I have been so shaken. And these questions seemed insurmountable. And God’s answer was only “I am God, you are man” and a rebuke for seeking to understand the ways of God. How could this be enough for Job? Who only chapters before [9-10] had complained that it is impossible to bring a suit before God, for who could judge God and tell Him he was unjust or unfair. The account would forever go unanswered, because he is so much more powerful than we. So if God was unjust, who could stop Him? Perhaps the best way to avoid suffering was to follow the Greeks and try to be just pious enough to avoid disdain or pleasure. Then at least God would leave you alone and not boast about you to Satan and then have your children all killed and land destroyed. When considered in human reasoning, this seems the best course of action.

But then, I knew that was wrong. So what was I supposed to do? How was I to trust God? I felt lost and turbulent and so lost not having the foundation of faith that I had always clung to in the past….

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New Perspective on Faith - Part I

~Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.~ Hebrews 11:1


This past semester has been trying to say the least. I have been truly tested in my faith in God. I used to think that I trusted in God...until I realized I didn't. Have you ever had one of those moments when you were certain you could do something, knew how to handle it perfectly [or at least sufficiently] only to realize that you couldn't do so at all? It's one of those moments like when you were in Kindergarten and the 3rd graders were all going across the monkey bars and you know for a fact you can do it too. So you climb the ladder and reach your tiny hand to grab ahold of the first bar. You grip tightly. Confidence rises...you know that you can do it. You swing forward onto your next hand, you've got this. Another hand and it keeps going...but suddenly your strength begins to fail. Your fingers slip. Stubbornly you try to grip tighter, but it's too late. You feel sick as the bar begins to slip away. Your feet kick, as if they can help to push you back up. But no use. Finger by finger you slip. Shame washes over you before your last finger even slips from the bar. Your eyes are hot with unshed tears. And then the fall. Hardly noticeable. The pain from the fall is nothing compared to the overwhelming shame and guilt. Then you run. Run from the embarrassment. Run to save face as best you can. Run to feel your shame alone.

That is what it feels like to realize that you do not really have the faith in God that you think you do. I realized that this semester [more of this story to follow, but this is just my intro to a series of posts I want to publish on Faith], but the wonderful thing about falling off the monkey bars is that you have the chance to get back on them. You have the chance to actually learn how to climb across. For as long as that child thought she knew how to cross, she would never learn. But as soon as we fail, we finally get the chance to learn to do something right. So, as long as I thought I was trusting God when really I wasn't, I would never actually be able to trust him. But in failing, I was able to learn the hard process of building trust in God. And I pray that as I post what I have learned about Faith, perhaps it may help others as well.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Directing Project 1

This is my first directing project from this first semester. My roommate Stephanie and I actually did this to each other...haha. It's been fun :) The girl who shows up first is supposed to be Stephanie and the second girl is supposed to be me [as far as story goes...for anyone who was wondering]. Otherwise, it is just a fun short film. Enjoy!



PS. My apologies, I cannot make the widescreen format fit the blog window...i'll work on that one eventually.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Tree and Fountain

While walking one day a friend and I came upon a tree with paper-like bark and remarked at how sad it is when the bark is stripped from a tree that it dies. We moved on to talking about wrinkles and age, and how in The Golden Key by George MacDonald, the older a person is, the more beautiful he or she becomes [i'll write more on that later]. However, we both resolved to write the story of a tree stripped of her bark.
This is mine...


She calls him deeper
The boy with the dark black curls
To play in the woods
To be lost in her branches
To see her amongst the host of trunks and leaves.
He hears the call and steps in
Tender feet crunch leaves and twigs
And he touches her bark and peers deeply

The mountain calls him higher
The man with the dark black curls, now masked with grey
His weary eyes peer down at the old parchment
They said he’d never find it
But now he must, else she dies.

The boy reaches his hand out
Peels back the bark from her branch
Reluctantly it lets go and her pure, smooth bark shines
His breath quickens, heart pounds
Twigs crack at slow, retreating footsteps

He cannot read the map for the shaking of his weathered hands
As hers so often do
No longer does she embroider, her hand too unsteady to thread a needle
Her face weathered, her body weary
Yet her face smiles with deep beauty and her clouded eyes blanket her dear ones
But he cannot see it.

Her brilliance pulls the boy back and he is drawn
The bark tears more easily now
Turning it over and over in his hand
Brushing the soft wood with his young fingers.
She pleads with him to stop,
The layers protect what is precious within
But he cannot hear it.

The crest of the mountain disappears behind in the mist
The mist that flows down the crevices and valleys
Down to the lake.
It’s surface smooth, perfectly reflecting the barkless trees that surround
Flawless.

She had asked him to stay…not to go on this journey
But he didn’t hear her.


The man approaches the water,
Dips his hand cautiously and rejoices.

The boy drops the bark and walks towards her
His lust for the smoothness blinds him
He rips the bark away, strips her
Poping and cracking
Insects that took refuge within her flee
New twigs are ripped off, cut short by the violence
He peels her layers away, driven by the trunk beneath.

She pleads with him to stop, but he cannot hear
He is fixed upon her.

The man stumbles through the door and offers her the water
She reaches her hand out to him and accepts it.
Poping and cracking echoes through the house
Wrinkles that took refuge within her flee
Her face pulled taut, the skin flat across her face

The bark is completely stripped away,
He steps back and sees the smooth wood beneath.

He steps back and looks at her face
Weariness has gone and youth has returned
She lowers her eyes, ashamed, exposed
As her wisdom turns brown and falls to the ground
Her eyes harden, the compassion given from years of life has fled.
The gentle touch and knowing caress leave her now supple hands
The gentle tremor in her voice vanishes
And her youth shines forth.

The tree shivers and wind blows against it
The boy is gone and she is
Dead.

The man steps back and walks away
Her husband is gone and she is
Dead.

Friday, January 2, 2009

to give these pictures permanent htmls








i'm putting them here...ignore this post.