Rising From the Ashes

Stars

2010-06-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me that tears make the stars shine brighter.

Have you ever looked at stars with tears in your eyes?

Photo Cred: Sideshowsito http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=fireflies#/d2jmk2p

Life is Not a Tragedy

2010-06-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

Nobody doubts that there is suffering in the world...and culture finds it cool and hip to be depressed about it. To let your internal and external pain haunt and torment you. To be tormented, and hopeless...yes, that is very often what culture portrays as good and attractive. Why do girls flood to see Twilight or Harry Potter...young and attractive men tormented by an inner demon? Because somehow, this torment is seen as beautiful...if you have been tormented and hurt, then you are deep. And depth is beauty.

Perhaps.

And yet, what kind of life does that give? It turns our world into a tragedy where the happy people are superficial liars or simply unable to cope with the pain of life. There is, I cannot nor would I ever hope to deny, that there is such abundant beauty in pain. Yet, that is not the eternal end of our lives. We were not created to hurt. We were created to glory with our Creator in a land that sees no more pain or tears.

So clearly these things must come to an end.

Yet, what should we cling to as deep and lovely? Because to only be happy is truly a superficial lie. And if pain is a passing beauty, what is the deeper one? How can we truly learn to be deep people, who can reach out to those around us?

Lasting, so then eternal, beauty?

The only thing that will never pass away, the thing that makes the very essence of God himself, and life eternal with him. Perhaps this is love? Maybe it is joy? Or some combination of the two? I am not sure if that can ever be known. But I know that whatever the deepest beauty is in heaven, it will stand compariston. We can take anything that is lovely and beautiful and say that, maybe, it is like that, and it certainly will be...and much better. Let poetry, art, effcient machines, love, and nature speak to what is beautiful, and then seek to find God's beauty beyond that. That beauty, both in nature and in actions of creation and redemption, is eternal. That beauty is what we ought to spend our lives seeking.

But there is a problem.

We so often are too easily pleased with the beauties of this world...and when we sin, it is because we are too easily satisfied. Our desires are too strong...and not strong enough. If we knew what we really desired, we would seek it with our whole beings. And yet, we fall into depravity and sin...choosing carnal and banal things instead of the really beautiful things that will last into eternity. And in doing this we hurt. We hurt ourselves, and we hurt others...and suddenly the beauty of pain is destroying everyone we love. And we are powerless, truly, to do anything to stop it.

This world is not a tragedy.

There is a way to learn to love the higher things. We must change our desires. And seek that which is higher. This, takes discipline. Lewis in his book The Weight of Glory (where most of these ideas are coming from) compares it to a school boy learning Greek. At first it is just hard work, and he could never imagine in a million years how beautiful Greek poetry and writings can be...for now it is just conguations, declentions, and awful foreign letters. But as he keeps at it, eventually it becomes natural. And then, he begins to read Cicero, Plato, and the great poets in their native tongue, and he cannot but joy and glory in them. How lovely is this hidden world of mysteries, mysteries locked away. As is the eternal beauty...it is a mystery, hidden from mortals...but God made known the mystery in Jesus Christ, in whom all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell. And so in becoming like Christ, we learn these mysteries.

This world is a mystery unveiled.

Paul, in his letters, teaches us how to become more like Christ, the unveiler of mysteries...and as we become more like him, we begin to understand the mysteries of eternity more and more...until, suddenly, like the boy with his Greek, we understand how beautiful eternity is and how to love and rejoice in such depth and sincerity. Seek Christ, and learn to know him in his character and in his sufferings. Paul exhorts both...but certainly not to dwell on sufferings, but see them as a means to an end. The pain is not the beauty, the glory of God is, and pain is only beautiful in its ability to show God in his glory and his glory in us.

And like the boy...becoming like Christ, expecially at first, will likely be difficult, and at times we will want only to run to lesser joys. But in keeping the discipline, the desires begin to change. So there is no need to despair, if at first our hearts do not seem to feel as they ought for the journey they are embarking upon. For the desire to engage the journey will come, as we simply start going.

Discipline will begin to change the desires.

And the desires will grow stronger and stronger as we pray and seek God as we live our lives seeking his mysteries.

I had always hoped that life would be a big mystery that we could one day know the answer to...and yet, even in eternity we will not be equal to God...so in many ways, even eternity may be filled with mystery...and that is beautiful indeed. To get to spend eternity knowing and seeking the mysteries of God, the glory of God, the beauty of God.

Goals...

2010-06-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

For this summer I want to keep myself thinking well and pushing myself creatively. SO...the goal is to post one analytical/thoughtful post and one creative post a week.

To start off the week...is a poem (prose-poem? I am not really sure what this one is).

A Disturbed Reflection

Silence spans the marshland
Water, clear-grey, reflects the foggy sky
Perfectly still.
No wind.
The water reflects back the bushes and shrubs.
The difference between the real thing and its reflection?
Maybe that its upside down.
Then, maybe its easier to see it that way?

A stork, sun-white, lands in the water
ripples distort the reflection.
Now we know.
The perfect silence returns
All is as it was before
Better for having been disturbed.

I am thinking

2010-06-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

...a dangerous pasttime, I know.

But seriously, I have been thinking a lot about how much my generation values authenticity. What exactly is it anyways? And how does it help us and also how is it hindering us?

More thoughts to follow...

Dispelling Delustion (Torrey Paper for this semester)

2010-05-18T03:06:00.000-07:00

Introduction

    Very few people avoid the subtle allure of self-deception. In fact, you may be lying to yourself right now without even knowing it. Usually, we deceive ourselves when we seek to hold onto an emotionally founded belief that does not line up with reality, so we choose to deceive ourselves about reality instead of change the belief. To break away from self-deception requires a means of speaking truth into our deepest emotions and breaking through complex mental defenses. While there are certainly many ways to do this, one method particularly suited to identifying and eradicating self-deception is to take a journey in the strange realm of faerie by reading fairy tales. Fairy tales have the special ability of creating a sense of unfamiliarity about things usually taken for granted, an occurrence called defamiliarization, that can help to disarm some common tactics of self-deception. Additionally, fairy tales tend to address questions of human existence in new and unfamiliar ways. This can help a person break out of habitual thought patterns that may enslave him to self-deception and see life in a new light.

        Self Deception

To begin this journey let us ask what, exactly, is self-deception? Self-deception is when “truth ceases to be the primary goal of inquiry” and we choose to “manage our beliefs with no regard for the truth” . Here, the type of inquiry is the seeking of self-knowledge, specifically as regards internal beliefs affected by internal and external factors or experiences, and truth is the correct internal belief that properly corresponds with those given experiences. So, self-deception occurs as the truth about the self or about a situation becomes too difficult to accept and the mind quietly and discretely begins to believe something different. For example, victims of traumatic car collisions sometimes create false memories to help cope with the accident. These internal beliefs, being the false memories, do not correspond with the true experience, the actual events of the accident.
While most self-deception happens more subtly than the example, the root cause still springs from incongruence between a person’s beliefs and truth. Ten Elshof, a scholar on the philosophy of self-deception, explains that self-deception springs from a deeply emotional need for personal well-being. A person’s felt well-being depends on their beliefs about important life questions: Am I acceptable and loved? Am I succeeding? Am I safe?   Often when the answers to these questions are not pleasant the mind will make changes to its way of thinking, manipulating its own perceptions.    The mind chooses to deceive itself into thinking difficult situations are not as difficult as they seem. Or, it may choose to think the situations are worse and create reasons to sink into a wallowing depression. Either way, the mind trades a more acceptable explanation for a painful truth.
Take for example a girl who is looking to find the answer to her “am I acceptable” question. She lives in a family where her younger brother is chronically ill and she sees that the family’s attention goes towards caring for the ill person. Mistakenly, she appropriates value to illness. Even while her parents tell her that she is loved and valued for other reasons, she consistently tries to make herself sick or conjure reasons to go to the hospital. Self-deception has created an incongruency between the truth that her parent’s value her and her belief that she must be sick to be valued.
In this illustration, two primary characteristics of self-deception can be seen. First, the girl has formed an emotionally-based belief. She feels that illness is better than health because it receives more attention and therefore has more value. Second, she has taken this belief and created a personal habit that ties into her identity. In self-deception, when the mind begins changing its manner of thinking, these redirections become ingrained into a habit that becomes so comfortable the person may mistakenly believe this habit to be a part of her identity.    The girl has created such a habit, where she associates her identity with consistently seeking a way to be ill. This creates a secondary problem, where the self-deceptive way of thinking becomes so familiar and tied to identity that all other input must be tweaked to conform to it. This tweaking, or filtering, becomes a mental habit where everything familiar immediately goes through this mental filter. This is the reason why, despite her parent’s best efforts to tell her, she cannot receive the information that she is valued regardless of illness.
    When generally looking for a way to eradicate self-deception in the mind, these two characteristics must be considered. The means of speaking to self-deception has to simultaneously address the questions of well-being and have a way to slip past the mental filters of the person. It is precisely these two considerations that make fairy tales a prime candidate for eradicating self-deception.

A Different World

The primary strength in fairy tales for addressing self-deception is their ability to defamiliarize the commonplace. When reading fairy tales, the things that seem so familiar in the ordinary world, become suddenly strange. After reading only a few fairy tales, one quickly learns that a tree is anything but just a tree in the world of Faerie. Who knows but in just a moment a beautiful dryad may emerge from its bark? Or it could rise up on its roots like legs and terrorize the surrounding cottages, eating the children who cannot escape quickly enough? A fairy story can take us to places of magic, where we can never be quite sure what is happening or what will happen next. These stories create their own rules for existence, so strange and yet so perfectly acceptable - if they resonate with an internal congruency - that we are willing to suspend disbelief, abandon our preconceptions and jump to another world. The defamilarizing effect here is so pervasive, that not only do individual objects appear strange and “other”, but the whole world becomes Other…it becomes Faerie.
Given the array of stories that dabble in the unusual, before progressing it is helpful to consider what exactly makes a “fairy tale”. Tolkien limits the definition of fairy tale to stories about strange wonders that take place outside our own world and that are presented as entirely true.   While this is a good definition, for the purposes of this paper, I wish to expand it to include works that create different types of “other” experiences in a different world. This means dream stories, certain traveller’s tales, tales that explore the inner “otherness” of the mind (for example the film Mirrormask written by Niel Gaimen), and even sorts of magic realism could be included. This is due to their defamiliarizing effect on the mind, and the elements of Other these stories contain, even if not being full fledged fairy tales according to Tolkien’s definition.
Looking to the content of these stories, they seem to derive their external subject matter from nature and its fantastic variations, such as mixing trees and girls to get dryads. But the meaning of these stories emerges from the tellers themselves, people intimately acquainted with human experience both external and internal. Given this human element, these stories, like most good literature, grapple with the deep and intrinsic questions of human existence. Included in these questions are the deeply emotional questions that are at the core of self-deception.
For its ability to resonate with human experience, fairy tales serve as a beautiful mirror for our world. In fairy tales, the mind cannot grasp all that occurs since strange events and wonders keep baffling reason and preconceptions of how things work. So, it is often the subliminal, emotional aspect of humanity that drives the story and is most deeply affected by hearing the tale. When we make the enchanted jump into the Otherworld, we have to leave behind our preconceptions of how things work in “reality” and approach the experiences with a childlike wonder and awe. This process of suspending disbelief, where readers must lay aside their preconceptions and habitual ways of processing information, is what makes the fairy tale work.    During this laying down of habitual mental patterns, those filters created by self-deceptive thinking can be laid aside as well, providing a unique opportunity to present ideas and answers about the questions of human experience in a fresh light. It is in this moment that the fairy story can slip past the person’s mental defenses so impenetrable in the ordinary world, and deliver a fresh perspective to the root of the self-deception or cause the person to start thinking about the question at all and serve as a catalyst towards identifying points of self-deception and successfully eradicating it.
These principles will be exemplified throughout the paper by the story of “Donkeyskin” written by Charles Perrault, a classic French fairy tale author from the 17th century. Perrault, along with the Grimm brothers, has provided most of the classic fairy tale stories such as Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Snow White, etc. In “Donkeyskin”, after the death of the queen, the king begins to have incestuous desires for his daughter. Counseled by her fairy godmother, the girl tells him she will concede only if he gives her “ a dress the color of the seasons” thinking “he will never be able to fulfill [her] request.”   When he presents her with the dress, the request is repeated for two more such dresses. Both times the king provides the garments. Finally, the girl asks for the skin of the donkey that provides the kingdom’s wealth by excreting gold coins. The king kills the beast and, full of fright, the girl flees wearing the donkey’s skin and taking the beautiful dresses with her. She becomes a scullery maid at a farmhouse near the castle of another king. She works and toils, always wearing the donkeyskin and hiding her beauty except in her spare moments alone in her room, when she will chance a moment in one of the dresses.   One day, the prince sees her through the keyhole and immediately falls in love with her beauty and “most of all…a wise and modest reserve that bore witness to the beauty of her soul”.   In the throes of lovesickness, he asks for a cake made by her hand, into which she bakes her ring. The prince decrees that the woman whose finger fits the ring will be his bride. Women go to many lengths to try to fit the ring, even shaving off parts of their fingers to make them smaller, but none fit. After every other woman in the kingdom is tried, Donkeyskin is called, the ring fits and they are married.

Five Tactics of Self-Deception

    To understand more specifically how fairy tales can eradicate self-deception, it is necessary to understand more specifically how self-deception works. Ten Elshof identifies five primary ways that people deceive themselves: Attention Management, Procrastination, Perspective Switching, Rationalization, and Ressentiment. The mind usually combines these tactics to create complex, subtle multi-layered deceptions.
    In attention management, “we manage to deceive ourselves by systematically avoiding attention to evidence against those beliefs upon which our felt well-being depends.” Here, the mind knows that there is evidence to contradict its belief, but instead chooses to look the other direction. It distracts itself and feels so comfortable with the distractions and new habits that the contrary evidence seems to vanish. For our girl, she hears her parents telling her she is valuable but if she accepts this information, her belief about value being linked to illness must change. Her mind begins to redirect her attention to all the instances when her brother got nice things because he was sick, or when people fawned over him when he was lying in the hospital and soon her parent’s voices fade into the background. The opposing evidence has been cunningly, and often by the person unknowingly, ignored.
    Procrastination occurs when the mind obscures the conviction of knowledge by putting off action until a later point, eventually dulling the conviction so that it can act in agreement with the already established beliefs. When a person feels struck by a conviction he usually feels compelled to act. However, if he puts off that action for a day or two it seems less important – eventually it can be forgotten or the mind could even convince itself that it is better not to act. The overall goal of procrastination is to use time to dull any conviction that does not fall in accordance with the established beliefs.
    Perspective switching and rationalization are closely tied. Perspective switching consists of a person disregarding his own view for another’s when he likes it better or to disregard another’s views when he prefers his own. Rationalization is similar but has a broader application. It occurs when someone takes any perspective and talks himself into holding it by reasoning and habit. This perspective does not actually have to be held by any particular person, but only needs to come from a logical rationale for why a belief could be held or actions taken. Logical statements mask established beliefs so the person can continue to function in the belief, sometimes without admitting that he actually holds it.
    Ressentiment is a “reordering of…our affections, sentiments, and value judgments in order to avoid severe disappointment” . In this deception, we trick ourselves about whether we believe something at all. When placed in a painful situation we are powerless to change, we tell ourselves that we never wanted what we thought we wanted, or that it would not have been good after all. Ressentinment can also show up as an over-valuing of another sentiment creating an unbalanced mindset or creating a sense that the original belief was actually wrong. For the girl, she has chosen to believe that illness is more valuable than health, so anytime she is ill she enjoys her life more than when she is well and playing soccer, traveling to the mountains or doing other things only healthy people can do. This creates an unbalanced mindset where her mind causes her to experience less enjoyment in things that should be enjoyable and more enjoyment at things that should not be.
Each of these tactics can serve to perpetuate self-deception about beliefs that we hold and avoid a necessary confrontation with them. Usually, these mindsets occur without the person’s even being aware of them since the mind’s goal is to hide them from itself. At times, each of these tactics can actually be helpful and necessary to cope with a traumatic situation or to gain distance from a particularly painful situation, but when they become ways that mask and hide harmful beliefs then they move from being coping mechanisms to means to perpetuate self-deception.

Fairy Tales and Self Deception: Discovering Delusion

Looking at the five ways that people deceive themselves, a general pattern for self-deception seems to arise. All five tactics function on the general principle of shielding or masking the truth by using reason to hide an emotionally based belief. If a person discover the truth of what he believes he must be able to honestly ask and answer the questions of how do I really feel? Think? Act? Relate? If he cannot truthfully answer these questions then he will not escape self-deception. Yet, given the complex barriers the mind puts in place to avoid exactly such honest questions and answers, it seems almost impossible to ask these questions truthfully. For this reason, the fairy tale serves an important role of being able to raise these questions for a person to slip by the mind’s mental barriers though defamiliarization and help a person to begin an honest conversation about what is inside their minds and emotions.
Tolkien identifies two elements of fairy tales that I believe are crucial to addressing self-deception: Recovery and Consolation.   Recovery is “regaining a clear view” by seeing truth with a new perspective. The familiar is the hardest thing to see, but given the fantastic and unbelievable nature of fairy stories, they open our minds to the conversation of what we do, in fact, believe. This occurs due to defamiliarization but it also because of the necessary question in any fairy tale: do I believe this? Which eventually leads to the question: what do I even believe and why? Beginning in the fairy world, the questions can bleed out into the ordinary world and open our minds to the conversation of what we believe about our world and ourselves, forcing us to face the beliefs and decide what we actually believe, not just what we say we believe. These conversations leads to points of identification that help us to grasp where we are deceiving ourselves and begin the long, arduous process of gaining a true perspective.
At the end of “Donkeyskin”, Perrault gives the moral of his tale: bread and water is enough nourishment for a woman who knows she is beautiful, both in appearances and in her soul (for the prince fell in love with both). When reading this story, a young woman would wonder if he is right. Is it true that a woman can endure any trial with this knowledge? Surely, Donkeyskin endured great trials: she suffered her mother’s death, she had to decide between honoring her father and keeping her purity, she hid her true identity, and she was subjected to constant ridicule and manual labor. Yet she endured it all because she believed she was beautiful. This brings the woman to question what she thinks about herself. She begins to ask if she thinks she is beautiful, in her appearance? In her soul? This is a difficult question where many of us likely have adopted self-deceptive tactics to avoid addressing how we think about ourselves. Through this story, these questions begin to arise and a person can start to address places where self-deception may dwell.

Fairy Tales and Self-Deception: Healing

    Once a person begins to process through the levels of self-deception in his life, there can be a great deal of hopelessness that nothing will change and discouragement about how complex these deceptions are. Here, too, fairy tales can come in and offer us consolation, the second element that Tolkien identified. The greatest consolation that fairy tales give us is hope. There is hope that even in the midst of great trial and hardship, if we keep pressing on there will be good, that there will be some sort of redemption.   For Donkeyskin, it was the dresses, the very symbol of her previous hardship that created a way for her to rise again. This shows that it is very often our worst moments that create in us the opportunity and ability to raise up and see the redemption of the hardship. There is no promise in this story that she does not encounter more hardship, she very likely does. However, it does promise a restoration of the pain and a hope that we can eventually rise above our trials.
    Fairy tales also offer consolation though showing us new ways of looking at how to think and how to live. For the girl who finds value in illness, the story of Donkeyskin tells her that value does not lay in either her health or illness, but actually comes from a deeper beauty of soul. The story speaks to the truth of her situation, effectively side-stepping her attention management and ressentiment by directly addressing her belief through showing her that she had value statements in the wrong place. Then, the promise of consolation comes to her and promises that by believing she is actually valuable because of her soul she can survive through difficulties. If Donkeyskin could survive, perhaps we can too, and if Donkeyskin gained happiness from her pain, then maybe our pain will be redeemed someday too. Fairy tales can teach us the proper emotional beliefs to have - beliefs that allow for pain and hardship, yet still have hope for a good life in the midst of it. And that hope is the path out of self-deception.

The Dangers of Fairy Tales

    This idea of fairy tales being used to solve the problem of self-deception may certainly cause some stir. After all, aren’t fairy tales generally held responsible for creating in children unrealistic hopes of happily-ever-after endings and false assurances of charming princes riding in for the rescue? In short, aren’t fairy tales actually responsible for encouraging self-deception?    At the very least, they seem to encourage people not to engage with reality, another self-deceptive tactic. Unfortunately, this can occur however it is due rather to poor readings of fairy tales rather than a fault of the tale itself.
We are often prone to read fairy tales purely for entertainment value, due in part to their enjoyable and fantastic nature, but tend to ignore full capacity and critical reading that they can endure. As already said, these stories are full of questions and statements about how to deal with deep human emotions such as pain and joy, and if one takes the time to read them well, they can reflect reality to us in such a strange and unfamiliar way that we learn to see familiar things in a new light. Very little literature can be read without the danger of learning the wrong lessons, and fairy tales are no exception. When one sits down to read a fairy tale, there is a responsibility to read this story well and work to take the right lessons away from it.
Additionally, there is the question of whether fairy tales cause a person to disengage with reality. This is a valid question and to answer it, we must first ask ourselves, “what is real?” There seems to be two types of things we can call “real”: those things that are present and physical, and then the realm of ideas that engage intrinsic but invisible things such as love, virtue, evil, etc. Fairy tales, while not perhaps real in the first sense, certainly function as real in the second sense. So perhaps a better question to ask is, “what is important?” For while mopeds and silicone bakeware are certainly real, they have very little lasting importance compared to eternal, intrinsic things such as joy or pain or the state of a person’s soul. In fact, would it not do a person good to escape for a time from a world that sees perhaps too much of the “real” things like sex and money at the expense of seeing the more important realities of love and self-sacrifice. Better to be in a place where the questions are asked about what makes a person a person and what makes them virtuous or evil? Faerie has the ability to do this very thing, to engage a person’s mind and emotions with questions of great and lasting importance - a level of engagment that rarely happens in a present “reality” where people are numbed by a bombardment of entertainment. One should certainly not run to faerie and never return, that would be terribly unhealthy. Yet it can be healthy to leave what is physically real for a time to regain a proper perspective on what is intrinsically real. This allows for better vision to see this ordinary world for what it is, and then, not being deceived about what is important, we can truly love it and the people living here.

Conclusion

As we approach our lives and begin to look for places of self-deception, let us be careful not to fall into three common mistakes. The first is the danger of side-stepping the questions that the fairy tales raise by looking at them merely as points of academic consideration. This is nothing more than subject avoidance manifesting itself to keep the self from personally engaging its beliefs. However also be aware of the second mistake, which is the pendulum swing response, where one expects to find self-deception in every single held belief. Thirdly and finally, be aware that the process of eradicating self-deception is exactly that, a process. We do not have to find healing and a proper perspective right away. Places of self-deception have usually formed from years of habits and those habits will also take years to undo. When working through the process, there can be a strong temptation to fall into either procrastination or hopelessness. We may sometimes decide to put off making changes until a better time, but that time rarely comes and a person can quickly find themselves two years down the road having made very little progress. The time to change is now. Yet that change will take time and it can be hard and discouraging. In these times is exactly where the consolation of hope found in fairy tales is of most help. Let us remember that there will be a good end to our trials, and strive to act on our convictions, hoping to look back years from now and see visible progress towards living in the constant realization of the truth, no matter how strange and fantastic may see/

Works Cited

Perrault, Charles. Donkeyskin. Translated by Maria Tatar. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, Inc., 1999.

Ten Elshof, Gregg A. I Told Me So. Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdman’s Publishing
Company, 2009.

Tolkien, J. R. R. On Fairy S ories. http://direcafe.ning.com/forum/topic/show?id=
709453%3ATopic%3A18794 (accessed March 25, 2010).

Willard, Dallas. Preface to I Told Me So, by Gregg Ten Elshof. Grand Rapids: William B.
Eerdman’s Publishing Company, 2009.

End Notes:

Gregg A. Ten Elshoff, I Told Me So (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdman’s Publishing Company, 2009), iii.

Ten Elshof, 25.

Ten Elshof, 3.

Dallas Williard, preface to I Told Me So, by Gregg Ten Elshof, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdman’s Publishing Company, 2009): x.

Williard, x.
J.R.R. Tolkien, On Fairy Stories (http://direcafe.ning.com/forum/topic/show?id= 709453%3ATopic%3A18794, accessed March 25, 2010) 14.

Tolkien, 5. Even Tolkien’s definition is broad for the specific term “fairy tale” which much of scholasticism takes to mean tales told of other worlds, with magic happenings, that serve the purpose of teaching moral lessons to children. However, for the sake of the paper the term “fairy tale” will hold a broader meaning.

Tolkien, 8.

Tolkien, 12-13.
Charles Perrault, Donkeyskin, trans. Maria Tatar (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 1999), 110.

Perrault, 113.
Ten Elshof, 39.

Ten Elshof, 41-45.
Ten Elshof, 52.

Ten Elshof, 54-55.

Ten Elshof, 64.
Tolkien, 15.

Tolkein, 19

Tolkien, 22-23.
This discussion can be found in greater detail in J. R. R. Tolkien’s article On Fairy Stories.

Falling Into the Sack

2010-04-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

(Short Essay I wrote for Russian Lit on Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilyich...it is a good story about not living a life devoid of meaning...the prompt for the essay was "Was Ivan converted, if so to what extent and from what to what?)


      “The expression on the face said that what was necessary had been accomplished, and accomplished rightly.” So it seems to Peter Ivanovich as he gazes at the corpse of Ivan Ilyich in the parlor on the day of his funeral. It also seems that Ivan’s face speaks a reproach and a warning back to the living, a warning that disturbs Peter so deeply that he flees the room. But what was this warning? What message is Tolstoy sending to Peter Ivanovich, and though him also to us?

    When Tolstoy introduces Ivan’s life he begins with a strange statement: “Ivan Ilyich’s life had been most simple and most ordinary and therefore most terrible.” As he takes us through this ordinary man’s life, he proves this statement to be true and even more tragic for its ordinary accepetance. Ivan’s pleasures in life were few “the pleasures connected with his work were pleasures of ambition; his social pleasures were those of vanity” and even these were meaningless and empty, for nothing much stood out about him. His ambition? He was passed over for promotion like any man would be; and as for his social life “just as his drawing-room resembled all other drawing rooms so did his enjoyable little parties resemble all other such parties.” Ivan loves neither his wife nor his children, and like all men of society “with clean hands, in clean linen, with French phrases…and consequently with the approval of people of high rank” he visits dark allies and houses of questionable reputation. Ivan has reached the height of happiness in his life – and it is a sad happiness.

    However, Tolstoy offers a very different perspective. When Ivan’s illness settles into his body, what torments him most is the deception with which everyone seems to approach him. It is poison to him. Yet Tolstoy shows that this falsity is not only external, but is also internal to Ivan’s state of mind and that “this falsity around him and within him did more than anything else to poison his days [italics added].”   For weeks, Ivan suffers – unwilling to address the source of his internal mental anguish and his impending death. He asks only why he suffers so much, “and whenever the thought occurred to him as it often did, that it all resulted from his not having lived as he ought to have done, he at once recalled the correctness of his whole life and dismissed so strange an idea.”

     Physical pain builds and finally drives him to call on God who answers him by asking him what he wants and what he lives for. God takes Ivan on a journey through his life showing him the good he had done and the happiness he enjoyed. Tragically, “the further he went the less there was.”   Finally, Ivan is driven to ask questions…to ask the question: “What if my whole life has been wrong?” and suddenly “it occurred to him that his scarcely perceptible attempts to struggle against what was considered good by the most highly laced people….which he had immediately suppressed, might have been the real thing, and all the rest false.”   His eyes are finally opened to the falsity of his life. But now he only has hours left to live and must answer the next question, “What is the right thing?”   It is through this question that Tolstoy saves Ivan. For even while he only has hours left to change his life, he still labors. Ivan sees his wife and son and “felt sorry” for them, sincerely pitying them he tries to speak to them “forgive me”.    He sees that his death will best relieve them of pain and so chooses to act, in a way, for them. He bravely faces his death, defiantly confronting the pain, “stretched out, and died.”

Now his face is sealed with the expression of his final thoughts. So what is the message he sends to Peter Ivanovich? As Ivan died, he became aware of the fate of his family, “in them he saw himself – all that for which he had lived – and saw clearly that it was not real at all, but a terrible and a huge deception which had hidden both life and death.”   This, I believe, is the message that Tolstoy places in Ivan’s face as “a reproach and a warning to the living”.   Men cannot live for ambition and vanity alone – the only way a man can live with purpose is to think of others, and if necessary to even die if it be for their good. Ivan realized this; and like the last laborer to come to the field he received his full wages.

Wind

2010-04-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

A whisper blows through the cold-empty home
The child’s laughing has now all slipped past
The boy wants to know why he’s sent off alone
But his answers are just biting cold-empty wind.

The same whisper drifts through library’s crypt
Sampling and saving cold-empty ideas
It’s silently tracked and now seeks a new home
And finds the lost boy-man’s searching still-empty ears.

The boy’s now become an inquisitor grand
He sits in the tavern and waits
For his brother, though the other seeks his comp’ny that night
And all ‘round the tavern blows the cold-empty wind.

The wind’s now inside, swirls and freezes his soul
The whispers are ravings and speak now void-true
With talon-vice grip swings around on his hip
Are you there?
I am here. You will never be dear to anyone least of all me.
Frantic throwing and falls
Whispers blow through it all
Wind takes shadow-form
Tears at him, breaks glass-shatters his mind
It’s only fitting your cold-empty soul.

(This poem was written for a pull question that asked us to write creatively on the state of the soul of Ivan Feyodorovich Karamozov from Brothers Karamozov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky)

(hmm...Russian names are much nicer to say and look at than ours)

{songs from LA}

2010-04-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make my skin peel when out all day.

Old Poem...Newly Revised

2010-04-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

The Wife of Ponce de Leon

She calls him deeper, the boy with dark black curls-to play in the woods, to be lost in her branches. He hears the call. Tender feet crunch leaves and twigs, young fingers touch coarse bark and he peers deeply.

The mountain calls him higher, the man with dark curls masked by grey. His weary eyes peer down at old parchment, the waters call to him. They said he’d never find it - now he must, else she dies.

Leaves shake from hands peeling bark from her branch. Reluctantly it flakes away. Her pure, smooth bark shines; his breath quickens, heart pounds, twigs crack at slow, retreating footsteps

The map cannot be read for the shaking of weathered hands, as hers so often do. Needles lay unused on the table. Her face weathered, body weary, her wrinkled, gentle face protects what is within, but he cannot see it.

Her brilliance lures the boy. Tender fingers both tear and caress. She pleads with him, the layers protect what is precious within, but he cannot hear it.

The crest of the mountain disappears, mist flows down the crevices and valleys, down to the lake. It’s surface smooth with reflections of barkless trees. The man steps into the water, lowers his hand cautiously and rejoices.

She had pleaded with him not to go but he could not hear her
So fixed he was upon her face.

He rips the bark away, strips her. Poping and cracking, insects that once took refuge must flee, the wood is too hard to provide a home. She pleads with him to stop, but he cannot hear.

The man stumbles through the door and offers her the water. Poping and cracking echoes through the house, wrinkles taking refuge within her flee; her face pulled taut, the skin flat across her face.

The bark is completely stripped away, he steps back and sees the smooth wood beneath.

The wood creaks from slow, withdrawing footsteps. Weariness has gone, youth returned. She lowers her eyes, ashamed, exposed as her wisdom turns brown and flutters down. Her eyes harden, as years flee, gentle touch and knowing caress leave her now supple hands. The tremble of her voice vanquished and her youth shines forth.

The tree shakes as wind blows against it the boy is gone and she is
Dead.

[Photo Credit: mandragolaa at http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs12/f/2006/327/5/1/tree_by_mandragolaa.jpg]

For She Loved Much

2010-04-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

The bed creaked and in a few moments she was finally alone. He had taken it out of her this time…she knew soon she would die. She pushed her hair sweat stuck from her forehead, and she shivered occasionally - though not from cold. Eventually, she stood up and walked to the window overlooking the city. It was just beginning to wake up…he had taken longer than she had thought. She wrapped her shawl a bit tighter around her bony elbows. As much as she ate, she kept losing weight…she knew she was sick with something, soon she would die. Maybe that wouldn’t be all bad…

    Was this the life she was escaping from? The woman who came to Jesus in Luke’s Gospel, anointing his feet and washing them with her tears and hair? She never said a word to him…only entered the room and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with ointment.
   She dared not even speak to Jesus, but her love took her to wash his feet, for she knew that he alone could save her. And if he could save her…
    Do you see this woman? He said. I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven– for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little. Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you; go in peace.     In that moment, peace…and perhaps even more than just her sins had been healed. She had found her savior, at last she felt safe. And for this she loved him all the more: her love had meant something to him. No, he had not forgiven her because of her love…but see how he had spoken to the Pharisee? He had almost praised her for her love. Never had she known it could be valued so much.

Our Savior’s healing is the rock of our salvation – tell me, whom shall I fear? The Lord is my strength and my life.

(Scripture from Luke 7)
(photo credit: y0j1m80 at http://y0j1m80.deviantart.com/art/Broken-Window-81440105)

Further Observations.

2010-03-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

I flew with a Phoenix today...my pants got singed.

Something...

2010-03-24T22:02:00.001-07:00

Somtehing does not seem right.
Something seems certainly wrong.
Something is nerely complete
Something is far from done.
Something is looking for laughter
Something is looking for tears.
Something finds burning desire
Something is burdened by fears.

It's so easy...

2010-01-25T22:03:00.001-08:00

...to feel overwhelmed.
...to forget to call home.
...to feel worthless.
...to feel unbeautiful.
...to believe lies.
...to work so hard and not know why.
...to look forward so much you never see your now.
...to know God is watching you but sin anyways.
...to look to your Father and feel ashamed.

It's so hard...

...to trust God has it all under control.
...to remember to let the people you love know it.
...to feel valuable.
...to feel beautiful.
...to know why the truth is true, and say it.
...to see the end of everything.
...to live in the moment and not be irresponsible of the future.
...to say no, even if nobody is watching.
...to look to your Father and know you are somehow loved anyways.

The world has been turned upon its head and what is rightside up is completely screwy now and for all the ease of our perceptions we see nothing at all. Having eyes we cannot see and having ears we cannot understand, for those who worship them become like them. The Pharisees had chosen something good, the law of God was to be observed, meditated on...it was good. But it was not Good, and when something good becomes priority over Good, suddenly that thing worth pursuing becomes our idol and our perceptions turn upside down and we have become like the image of our God and not like our God Himself and just as an image cannot properly see, neither can we. It is so easy to build and altar to something good and forget God while we try to seek Him. It is so hard to see God when we are worshipping an image. It is so hard to clear our eyes, but then we see God, and in seeing it is so easy...

...to trust God has it all under control.

Interterm

2010-01-06T20:23:00.000-08:00

So I am back at school now and working over the break...I have some wonderful jobs, but the best two have been filming Biola's IRIS class (an interdisciplinary GE course co-taught by 7 professors) and calling prospective students for Torrey.

Calling highschool students who are finalizing college plans made me start thinking about what it was like when I was trying to decide what I was going to do. I only applied to Biola...I knew this was where I wanted to go, and it is certainly where God wanted me. As I am now starting to approach the time of thinking pretty seriously about grad school and life after Biola, I have been a bit overwhelmed by it all, but remembering that God has all of this orchestrated. I know that he is teaching me to keep trusting him, even as things are changing. I am living in a wonderful house now with a great family...I never could have set that up and God did. Thinking about that helps me see that God is working things out even better than I can plan. The same goes for after graduating, he is working out something amazing and it will be better than I can plan.

I think I'm feeling a push towards an MFA in New York....so we'll see how that goes :)

Stress

2009-12-29T20:49:00.000-08:00

We all live with too much stress...if you are in college you are probably living with a lot of stress in your life. I know I am certainly guilty of over-stressing myself (every stress test i've taken has placed me in the high percentile of stress and risk of illness because of it). So I have decided to try to come up with ways to reduce stress and hopefully save my body from any terrible damage and try to share them here (and ask for any suggestions you've found helpful!). So far this is my list...still to be built longer...but a good start.

1. Pray. God is in control of all of this...I am learning. It's so easy to start stressing and then trying to fix and finish everything in your own power and while this succeeds for a little while, eventually it saps your spiritual walk with God [i found this out this semester] and leads to self-reliance with robs us of experiencing God's provision. So number one thing...always keep God in his proper place and keep talking to him and listening to him. I think that would solve a lot of problems.

2. Eat well. Sleep often. Schedule life with time for eating and sleeping...it keeps you from getting sick and worndown...which gives you more time in the long run. So hard to keep the long term perspective, but I think it can really help. 15 mins to do homework or try to read over lunch? Choose lunch...it keeps you awake and healty and you can so much more done when alert and healthy than when worn out and hacking your lungs to pieces.

3. Along those lines...schedule your time and stick to it. This also includes. NO PROCRASTINATION. Leaving everything to the last minute makes life a wreck...and schedule in time for things to go wrong...so then if one things takes a dive, the rest of your life does not crumble as a result.

4. Take 30 mins a day to relax. Read a book for fun, take a walk, listen to music, do something cathardaic. But give your mind and body a break...it will keep you going.

5. Invest in friends. Relationships make or break life and are (after God) probably one of the most rewarding things to invest in. God said the golden rule was to love God and then your neighbor. Isolating oneself only serves to make you more miserable, and alone, which cannot lift your spirits. Fellowship with others brings joy in a way solitude simply cannot...and by bearing one anothers burdens we can find and give the support we all need to make it through life.

6. Take time to be alone. This does not mean isolation, but take time to process life and let it sink in...sit under a tree and think about life for a bit. This can be worked into prayer time and relaxing time...but make sure there is time for solitary reflection. If all your time is spend working or with other people...life will just get stuck inside you, I think.

7. Don't get lured into overachieving. Recognize your boundaries and when you have enough to do, say no to anything else that comes you way. I suck a this...just in case anyone was wondering.

I realize, this all seems obvious, but I have realized that the obvious things are sometimes the easiest to ignore. I write this partially as a reminder to myself...hopefully I'll do it. I hope this may help anyone else too...if you have any further ideas to contribute, your thoughts are most welcome!

A Lesson from Mrs. Bloomfield

2009-12-22T14:26:00.001-08:00

Mrs. Bloomfield was the schoolmaster's wife and she is just the sort of lady I hope to one day become. MacDonald describes her this way:

There was something about Mrs. Bloomfield that was very pleasing. The chief ingredient in it was a certain quiant repose. She looked as if her heart were at rest; as if for her everything, was right; as if she had a little room of her own, just to her mind, and there her soul sat, looking out through the muslin curtains of modest charity, upon the world that went hurrying and seething past her windows.

I have always wondered how women become like this...is it just how they were born? A lack of any great calamity in their lives that allows them to be at peace? Perhaps, but as I kept reading (she is a character in Adela Cathcart, sorry i didn't mention that earlier) she tells this story about herself that...well, I'll explain after the story. [and I realize it's long...but if you have time, it's worth reading, at least I found it to be so]
~~
A good many years ago, now, on a warm summer evening, a friend, whom I was visiting, asked me to take a drive with her through one of the London parks. I agreed to go, though I did not care much about it. I had not breathed the fresh air for some weeks; yet I felt it a great trouble to go. I had been ill, and my husband was il, and we had nothing to do, and we did not know what would become of us. So I was anything but cheerful. I knew that all was for the best, as my good husband was always telling me, but my eyes were dim and my heart was troubled, and I could not feel sure that God cared quite so much for us as he did for the lilies.

My friend was very cheerful, and seemed to enjoy everything; but a kind of dreariness came over me, and I began comparing the loveliness of hte summer evening with the cold misty blank that seemed to make up my future. My wretchedness grew greater and greater. The very colours of the flowers, the blue of the sky, the sleep of the water, seemed to push us out of the happy world that God had made. And yet the children seemed as happy as if God were busy making, the things before their eyes, and holding out each thing, as he made it, for them to look at.

(brief interruption to explain that one of her children is now in India and the other had passed on a few years ago)

Well, I was glad when my friend stopped the carriage, and got out with the children, to take them close to the water's edge, and let them feed the swans. I liked better to sit in the carriage alone -- an ungrateful creature, in the midst of cause for thankfulness. I did not care for the beautiful things about me; and I was not pleased that other people should enjoy them. I listlessly watched the well dressed ladies that passed (she talks for a while about the people that pass by...a good part of the story, but in trying to cut this down I shall leave it out)

At last I caught sight of a poor lad, who was walking along very slowly, looking at a gay-coulored handkerchief wich he had spread out before him. His clothes were rather ragged, but not so ragged as old. On his head was what we now call a wide-awake. It was very limp and shapeless; but some one that loved him had trimmed it with a bit of blue ribbon, the ends of which hung down on his shoulder. This gave him an odd appearance even at a distance. When he came upand I coudl see his face, it explained everything. There was a constant smile about his mouth which in itself was very sweet; but as it had nothing to do with the rest of the countenance, the chief impression it conveyed was of idiotcy. He came near the carriage, and stood there, watching some men who were repairing a fence which divided the road from the footpath. His hair was almost golden, and went waving about in the wind. His eye was very large and clear, and of a bright blue. But it had no meaning in it. He would ahve been very handsome, had there been mind in his face; but as it was, the regularity of his unlighted feature made the sight a sadder one. His figure was young; but his face might have belonged to a man of sixty.

He opened his mouth, stuck out his under jaw, and stood starring and grinning at the men. At last one of them stopped to take a breath, and , catching sight of lad, called out:
"Why Davy! is that you?"
"Ya-as, it be," replied Davy, modding his head.
"Why Davy, it's ever so long since I clapped eyes on ye!" said the man. "Where ha' ye been?"
"I ain't been nowheres, as I knows on."
"Well, if ye 'aint been nowheres, what have ye been doing? Flying your kite?"
"I 'aint got no kite; so I can't fly it."
"But you likes flyin' kites, don't ye?" said his friend, kindly.
"Ya-as," answered Davy, nodding his head, and rubbing his hands, and laughing out. "Kites is such fun! I wish I'd got un."
Then he looked thoughtfully, amost moodily, at the man, and said:
"Where's your kite? I likes kites. Kites is friends to me."

But by this time the man had turned again to his work, and was busy driving a post into the ground; so he paid no attention to the lad's question. Soon, another man had come up. he had a course, hard-featured face; and he tried, to pretended to try, to wheel his barrow, which was full of gravel, over Davy's toes. The said toes were sticking quite bare through through great holes in an old pair of woman's boots. Then he began to tease him rather roughly. But Davy took all his banter with jsut the same complacency and mirth with which he had received the other man's kindness.
"How's yer sweetheart, Davy?" he said.
"Quite well, thank ye," answered Davy.
"What's her name?"
"Ha! ha! ha! I won't tell you her name."
"Come now, Davy, tell us her name."
"Noa."
"Don't be a fool."
"I ain't a fool. But I won't tell you her name."
"I don't believe ye've got e'er a sweetheart. Come now."
"I have though."
"I don't believe ye."
"I have though. I was at church with her last Sunday."

Suddenly the man, looking hard at Davy, changed his tone to one of surprise, and exclaimed:

"Why, boy, ye've got whiskers! Ye hadn't them the last time I see'd ye Why, ye are set up now! When are ye going to begin to shave? Where's your razors?"
"'Ain't begun yet," replied Davy. "Shall shave some day, but I 'aint got too much yet."

As he said this, he fondeled away at his whiskers. They were few in number, but evidently of great value in his eyes. Then he began to stroke his chin, on which there was a little down visible -- more like mold in its association with his curious face than anything of more healthy significance. After a few moments' pause, his tormentor began again.

"Well, I can't think where ye got them whiskers as ye're so fond of. Do ye know where ye got them?"
Davy took out his pocket-handkerchief, spreak it out before him, and stopped grinning.
"Yaas; to be sure I do," he said at last.
"Ye do?" growled the man, half humorously, half scornfully.
"Yaas," said Davy, nodding his head again and again.
"Did ye buy 'em?"
"Noa," answered Davy, and the sweetness of the smile which he now smiled was not confined to his mouth, but broke like light, the light of intelligence, over his whole face.
"Where they gave to ye?" pursued the man, now really curious to hear what he would say.
"Yaas," said the poor fellow; and he clapped his hands in a kind of suppressed glee.
"Why, who gave 'em to ye?"
Davy lookep up in the way I shall never forget, and, pointing up with his finger too, said nothing.
"What do ye mean?" said the man. "Who gave ye yer whiskers?"
Davy pointed up to the sky again; and then, looking up with an earnest expression, which, before you saw it, you would not have throught possible to his face, said,
"Blessed Father."
"Who?" shouted the man.
"Blessed Father," Davy repeated, once more pointing upwards.
"Blessed Father!" returned the man, in a contemptuous tone; "Blessed Father! -- I don't know who that is. Where does he live? I never heerd of him."
Davy looked at him as if he were sorry for hi. Then going closer up to him, he said:
"Didn't you though? He lives up there' -- again pointing to the sky. "And he's so kind! He gives me lots o' things."
"Well," said the man. "I wish he'd give me thing's. But you don't look so very rich nayther."
"Oh! but he gave me some bread this mornin', and a tart last night -- he did."
And the boy nodded his head, as was his custom, to make his assertion still stronger.
"But you was sayin' just now, you hadn't got a kite. Why don't he give you one?"
"He'll give me one fast 'nuff," said Davy, grinning again, and rubbing his hands.

I assure you I could have kissed he boy. And I hope I fel some gratitute to God for giving the poor lad such trust in Him, which, it seemed to me, was better than trusting in the three-per-cents; for you can draw upon him to no end o' good things. So Davy thought anyhow; and he had got hte very thing for ht ewant of which my life was cold and sad and discontented. Those words Blessed Father, and that look that turned his vacant face, like Stephen's, into the face of an angel, because he was looking up to the same glory, were in my ears and eyes for days. And they taught me, and comforted me. He was the minister of God's best gifts to me. And to home many more, who can tell? For Davy believed that God did care for his own children.

Davy sauntered away, and before my friend came back with the children, I had lost sight of him; but at my request we moved on slowly till we should find him again. Nor had we gone far, before I saw him sitting in the middle of a group of little children. He was showing them the pictures on his pocket handkerchief. I had one sixpence in my purse -- it was the last I had. But I wasn't so poor but I could borrow, and it was a small price to give for what I had got; and so, as I was not able to leave the carriage, I asked my friend to take it to him, and tell him that Blessed Father had sent him that to buy a kite. The expression of childish glee upon his face, and the devout God bless you, Lady, upon his tongue were strangely but on incongrously mixed.

Well, it was my last sixpence then, but here I and my husband are, owing no man anything, and spending a happy Christmas Day, with many thanks to the Colonel and Miss Cathcart.
~~

So I realized that she was not born with her wisdom, or simply free from care and worry (she certainly dealt with her fair share of trouble [depression, being broke and sick in this story...and losing her child as we also found out]. But she took the right lessons from her difficulties and let God shape her into a person who trusted him in all things. I pray that as I am young, I may also learn the right lessons in times of darkness so that one day I might be like Mrs. Bloomfield.
And for anyone reading this, I extend that prayer to you too (unless you are a man...then be like Mr. Bloomfield [also an excellent man...same lessons learned ;)].

A Winter's Goal

2009-12-20T12:36:00.000-08:00

So I have recently discovered that a good friend of mine is going to try to read all of the Torrey novels for this semester over break. (see this post) Will she do it? I sure hope so. I am going to try this as well :D We will see if it works. But yeah...at least half? I can do that!

so books on the list (1st half)
~Pride and Prejudice
~Jane Eyre
~Wuthering Hights

Hopefully I'll post some thoughts on these too...

I also want to read Adela Cathcart, cause its Christmastime and I still have not read it yet and Christmas time is the perfect time to read Adela Cathcart.

That is all.

Goodbye.

The Seduction

2009-12-17T13:24:00.000-08:00

Her face appeared every time he closed his eyes. A beautiful face, though he could not make out any of her features. He knew he had studied them carefully, and yet the memory was vague. If only he could remember the shape of her face, perhaps he could drive her from his mind. He decided to take a shower.

The hot water relaxed his body and he breathed in the steam like warm breath. He suddsed up a washcloth and tried to wash, tried to get clean. He knew he had to go see Carrie tonight, he told himself he was cleaning up for her. He tried to think about her face, but it was so clear. He turned off the water and dried up. He put on a suit.

Calmly, he closed the door of his car but he failed to accelerate as slowly. He suddenly was speeding down the highway, out of the city and towards the forests just beyond the last few straggling houses. The red and golden leaves shuddered as he entered, and suddenly he began to feel her again. This was her home, she ruled here he felt deep in his being. The chills returned, across his entire body he felt as if the circulation had been cut off and was just now coming back all at once. He could hardly focus on the road.

Her face was still vague. Carrie would have been waiting about an hour now.

He pulled the car off the main road and onto a hidden but well-worn trail. The wind caressed his face and wrapped around his neck, drawing him along the path. Yet, it almost was an unnecessary caution, for his feet while unfamiliar on the path quite easily found their way. The sun had set nearly three hours before, but he easily avoided the fallen branches blocking his progress. He walked until Carrie had certainly given up waiting for him, he walked until she had most certainly cried herself to sleep. He began to wonder how far this path would take him before he got there.

Just a little farther.
I should turn back. She was waiting.
You’re almost here, it’s too late now.

He walked for much more than a few steps and saw dark walls at the top of a hill. He felt excited. He had been searching for this. His heart began to pound in his chest and he breath trembled as it came from his mouth. He slowly, carefully, gently, approached the walls without a ceiling to hold them together. They seemed so delicate, though so strong…as if a wind could knock them over, and yet they would stand strong through the torments of a hurricane.
Her face tempted clarity.

Come come. Enter my home, cherished one.
He hesitated outside the door, fearful of entering. A strange smell inside.
What do you fear? The smell was worse when you first met me.
Her hand brushed against his neck and gently moved down his shoulder to his arm, she stroked it as she had the day he first felt her. He had longed for months to discover her.
You must only open the door to know me. You were made to seek out mysteries, come and know mine.
He put his hand to the door and turned the knob, but did not open it. The smells of fragrant perfume came and overpowered his mind, all reason removed by the deep and lovely aromas. He stood, breathing them in, filling his lungs with them.
There is so much more for you, open the door, I am waiting.
Still, he did not open the door.
I will not wait forever.
She was angry with him, his hesitations had angered her, she knew his hesitation. He could not live with her angry. He quickly stepped in.

Bright lights blinded him and all around him moaning and screaming deafened his ears. Yet for being blind he saw first the girls, scarcely dressed in gold with ornaments to adorn their flaming hair. They moved with men, chained to the walls – moaning and screaming to be let out. The old men had given up screaming a long time ago and had learned to enjoy being here. The young men also moved strongly, almost unaware of the chains, seemed enraptured. The other men did all they could to avoid the girls, to try to escape. They screamed to be let alone, cried out for mercy, and yet the onslaught continued, the girls driven by a maddening fear. The men bound to never escape.

And then she entered, and roused them all and they stood before her. He tried to look at her face, he knew she had come for him but how much grander she was here than in life. Her light was radiating, and covered all the place with a blinding light so all he could see was her. He still could not fully see her face.

Stay here with me, beloved? How I have longed and desired for you to be here with me.
Who are you?
The one who loves you. Stay with me? Caress me?
He meant to think about the men in chains, he meant to turn away and run away, but the men seemed like a dream. He extended his hand slowly and touched her pale, white hand. Suddenly he felt pain in his side and looked in time to see an arrow pierce him and disappear. She grabbed his arm and shackled him and placed one of her priestesses before him.
Worship our goddess with me. Look in my eyes and love me, and our love with each other will glorify our mother. This is the first mystery.
He looked at her and loved her and the girl consumed him.
The lighted-she left the room as suddenly as she had arrived, a bit stronger now for his worship, while all around they cried.
Hail, Aphrodite.

The Thursday I Took Out My Earrings and Made Lisa Cry

2009-12-14T13:19:00.000-08:00

Thursday, October 14th marked the first time I did not go with Lisa to the tattoo parlor. That day, while Lisa was busy getting her fifth diamond-colored stud shot into her left ear, I was busy taking all of mine out for good. The decision had been a long time coming, but she didn’t know that because I hadn’t told her. There were a lot of things I had’t been telling her lately. Like how scared I was about liking Sean, or that I wanted to stop wearing my lip rings…all my piercings in fact, or that I didn’t actually want to be like her anymore.

“Hey I’ve been feeling like crap lately, let’s going to Zee’s today to get another stud,” Lisa had said that morning in her usual, half-apathetic tone. It took her awhile to get the whole sentence out. She was straightening her already stick-straight hair into razorsharp bits that hung across her face and she apparently found it most natural to talk between passes of the superheated ceramic plates. She made eye contact with me through the mirror while I sat lazily on the bed that neither of us had thought to make for weeks. I was fingering a few old pairs of fishnet leggings Lisa had given me last year for my birthday. I wasn’t sure if I should wear them under my jeans today so they’d show through the holes. I usually did, but I thought that maybe these too would need to go.

“We’ve both got seven each….just in our ears,. We might want to take it easy for awhile?” I half-asked her, trying to soften my impending statement.
“What?” Lisa almost laughed. “When has that ever mattered?”

I didn’t answer and kept thinking about whether or not I should wear the leggings. She raised her eyebrows slightly in surprise, giving her face an even more superior vibe than normal. My phone buzzed and I turned my head around just in time to see a dirty, silver Toyota pull up, the type that probably wouldn’t have looked new even ten years ago. I tossed the leggings back in my drawer, I’d made up my mind about them, grabbed a faded green sweatshirt instead and started towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Lisa asked, her tone was stern, but her eyes softened for a moment, a look Lydia knew meant she had been taken off guard.
“Sean just drove up.”
“And…?”
“And?” I didn’t want to say straight out that I wasn’t going to go with her and was going to hang out with my own friends instead, so I tried for the door again. Lisa’s face hardened and she quickly stepped in with the straightening iron in hand. I relented.
“And we’re picking up Tawney and going to an animal shelter,” I said so fast I could hardly keep my tongue straight. Monday morning I had held my ground in an argument and the burns on my arm still hurt. Morning arguments are always the most dangerous.
“You’re freakin’ kidding me. You’re ditchin’ on Zee’s to go look at a bunch of diseased dogs with your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend, and we’re getting kittens.”
“Oh, kittens. Well,” Lisa tossed her arms in the air. “What the hell is up with you Lydia! You never go partying anymore…and since when do you care about kittens!”

I shrugged. I wasn’t actually quite sure why I suddenly cared about kittens so much. We both stood there for a long time. I thought about how bad would it be for me to go with her. I could call Sean and tell him I got sick and just never let him and Tawney know I went. They’d hate me for going back on my promise, they were both so proud of my decision. But, they had made me promise that I’d stop getting piercings, not that I couldn’t go into the place, exactly. Then I could put this confrontation off with Lisa for a little bit longer. Maybe? My phone started ringing. Sean was calling. “I’ll be right there,” I said into the phone and quickly hung up.

Lisa rolled her eyes and let me though the door. I ran down our staircase and pulled that green sweathshirt on over my head. It wasn’t cold at all, but I couldn’t wear the types of clothes I usually wore when I saw him. When I’m around Lisa’s friends I don’t really care how much of me they see or what all they think of me. But somehow I didn’t want Sean to see me that way. I ran down the hall towards the door, pulling out every one of my piercings from my nose to my navel and stuffing them in my pocket. I’d gotten quite good at this so that at the top of the staircase I looked like I belonged with Lisa and her crowd and by the bottom I looked a bit more like…well, I’m not exactly sure what I looked more like. Just plain I guess. But this time, I was never going to put the earrings back in.

I stopped at the door and paused for bit. That was a bad idea, to let myself think. I grabbed an umbrella, I opened it and closed it, and opened it and closed it, and opened it and closed it until finally I could walk out the door. I ran across the driveway and hopped in the front seat. Sean told me I looked pretty. I didn’t say much back to that…what are girls supposed to say to that anyways? I never could figure it out. He said it again when he dropped me back off. Most boys would have tried to kiss me, but he wasn’t like that. Instead he just said, “You looked really pretty today Lydia. Thanks for helping me find Shia.” He meant the little grey kitten that sat in a crate in the backseat. I smiled and climbed out of the car clutching mine. I had named him Milo. I know Milo’s not that original of a name, but it seemed to suit him at the time so that’s what I decided on.

I watched Sean drive off and then walked into the house. I passed by the downstairs mirror and felt instinctively to reach into my pocket and start putting my piercings back in, but I knew better. Instead I started petting Milo to give my hands something to do. The door to our room was shut, so I knocked. A loud thud, probably from one of my books hitting the door, was all I heard. I slowly walked inside, still clutching Milo, and saw Lisa sitting on the couch with a new earring in her left ear, crying.

Buddy

2009-12-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

I am going to begin posting my short stories that I write...it should be fun and it will make this blog more of a place to try out creative ideas, which I want it to become. So that should be fun...I start out with a much lighter-hearted one, most of my stories have dealt with harder subject matter. I was getting tired of writing hard stories, so I tried my hand at a comedy...so please allow me to introduce my very first attempt at writing comdey...don't laugh (will, I mean laugh, but not like that ;) )

~The Author
Tawney had only met Buddy for 45 seconds and he ruined her life forever. She had been perched in her favorite eucalyptus tree for the last two hours trying to compose a poem. It had not been going well. This was evident because all the leaves from where she sat had been torn from the branches leaving a bald spot in the tree and leaf litter on the ground. It was also evidenced by the fact that in her notebook there were only three words and of those three, two had been crossed out.

Now Buddy was the sort of person who enjoyed seeing odd people doing odd things, thus when he saw the teenage girl with purple sunglasses sitting up in a bald spot of a tree, he enjoyed it. So, unknown to the girl-poet, he sat and watched her rip leaves and deliberately scratch out words while he ate an entire bag of potato chips. After a while, Buddy thought he would very much like to meet this girl. However, the potato chips he had just eaten happened to have been Lay’s Sour Cream and Onion potato chips and he knew that the only thing worse than onion breath, was onion powder breath. The skinny boy sat down rather dejected and pulled his plaid overshirt a bit closer to his chest. Then it occurred to him that she, given the height of the tree, would necessarily be rather far away from his mouth and so the chance of her smelling his breath was greatly reduced. This gave him much encouragement. He was going to meet the girl in the eucalyptus tree.

Meanwhile, Tawney had not an inkling of her impending doom. She had thought, being in a eucalyptus tree, to write a poem about koalas and she had finally started to get some momentum on it. Only, not very many words rhyme with koala, or Australia or even emu. This last one was only related by merit of it being an animal from Australia, a line of thinking she had taken up when a poem strictly about koalas had failed her. For lack of proper words to rhyme with Australian fauna, she decided to give up entirely.

She lept out of the tree and landed on directly in front of Buddy.

She was startled.

He also, felt surprised.

He scratched his head, but then extended his hand and almost said, “Hello, my name is Buddy” when he remembered his onion breath. He quickly resolved never to open his mouth, so he simply stood with his hand sticking out in the air. Tawney stared at the outstretched hand, she was not quite sure what to do with it. At first she thought about shaking it. This seemed the best option, but what if he was one of those sleezy boys her brother had told her about and as soon as she touched him, he would run away with her and she would never see her family again. She considered this for a while but then realized that this particular boy was likely to be beaten in a fistfight by a nine-year-old and she was much larger than a nine-year-old by at least three years, so her fear of that was offset. In fact, he was much more likely to be one of those street magicians who might electrocute her when she shook his hand, but since she was not on a street and much more thinking on the matter would lead to a truly awkward social situation, she decided to risk it.

She shook his hand.

It took Buddy a moment to shake her hand back, he was rather shocked she had actually done it after waiting so long to get around to it. He knew if he had might have spoken it could have made all of that go faster, but that was simply not an option. Not with a bag of onion powder flavored chips sitting on his breath.
Tawney let go and stood there, looking at the boy. She expected him to introduce himself now. She imagined that perhaps he had been a part of a community where words came after handshakes, or what sort of odd or strange things must have happened to him to keep him from being able to talk, never in her life imagining it to be something half so boring as a bag of Lay’s potato chips. Still no words were forthcoming.

“I’m Tawney,” she finally said.

He said nothing, but smiled. It was a cute smile. Maybe he was hiding some terrible secret, behind that smile and he was afraid to speak for fear it would all come tumbling out.

“Can you speak?” she asked.

He nodded, but never opened his mouth. Maybe he was a very young monk and had taken a vow of silence, and now his heart was breaking with love of her but he could never speak to her or marry her for monks also must be chaste. Chaste seemed like a strange word, she wrote it in her book.

Buddy saw her writing and wondered what she could be doing. He saw her write the word “chaste” and wondered if she was reminding herself of her virtues. Then he realized this was a very ridiculous and self-conceited thought and resolved to think it no more. He stood there a bit longer, hoping to hear her say one thing more before he left. She fulfilled this desire.

“What is your name?”

Here Buddy was in quite a bind. This comment required an answer and it required an answer that went beyond a simple head nod or shake. He knew what he was about to do next was mad, but he had no other option. He covered his mouth with his hand and said it much louder than he had intended to.

“Buddy!”

And then Buddy ran away, to quickly escape the shame of the breath that must surely have slipped between his fingers, clenched as tightly together as they were.
Tawney watched him run away. A thousand questions about Buddy raced through her mind. She was utterly intrigued by the boy she had met for only 45 seconds. Suddenly all sorts of words began to fly into her mind. Glasses. Scratching. Monk. Circus Performer. Lion Tamer. Lost Love. Secret Love. Forbidden Love. Runaway. Siberia. Spy. Lonely. Orphan. Hermit. Egypt. Ancient Pharoah. Second Life. Time Traveller. And many other words of even more extravagant meanings and lofty expectations entered and stuck in her mind. She wrote furiously all night and well into the next day and even then she felt she had only barely scratched the surface of this boy and all he was.

She had fallen in love with him, that much was certain. Not the romatic sort of love, but the obsessive sort of love where one cannot help but think about the person they love because they are intrigued and fascinated and thinking about them and their many possible lives has become a sort of fantasy, like a video game, but in the mind. And it completely takes over your life so that you never can have it back the way it was before this falling in love happened, and in some ways your life is forever ruined by a chance meeting. This was exactly what had happened to Tawney, and she knew she could never for the rest of her life stop being in love with Buddy.

With wit...

2009-10-26T20:54:00.001-07:00

...my wit is marred.

Photo Contest

2009-08-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken)
Brickfish

{aspirations}

2009-08-09T14:29:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I thought I would like to be a trapeze artist. Soaring overhead and flipping through the air.

Then I remembered gravity.

Sometimes I thought I would like to be a trapeze artist in space.

{these thoughts courtesy of Lydia Brown {a character I am starting to develop}...she is also the "I" in the post below. I have recently discovered this girl...I'm trying to let her talk a lot so I can get to know her better and soon she'll have her own story. Not sure what yet...but she's starting to talk on her own now. Yesterday I discovered her name}

{the wind did it}

2009-08-07T19:48:00.001-07:00

He was just sitting there, you know. Not really moving and I didn't think it was particularly my fault...I had just walked up on him. So I kinda just stood there and looked at him for a bit. Couldn't think of anything else to do. The clouds up in the sky were making weird shadows on the sidewalk, and it was kinda cold you know that fall cold that still has some sunshine but is basically deceiving because it is cold. I guess its the wind that does it. I don't mind too much because I love wearing jackets and sweaters and scarves and mittens...it kinda hides me to an extent, more than I could hide behind say one of those spaghetti strap tank tops. Don't get me wrong, I mean they're cute and all, but nothing you can pull up to your chin and pretend that you're hiding from everyone around you, you know. So I did that, pulled my green striped thrift store sweater up a little closer to my chin and decided that maybe he didn't like me staring so I decided to look up at the clouds. They were pretty, starting as these clumps of white, so dense they were almost grey. And then as the wind kept moving it [yes, it was the wind making it so cold, I'm sure of it] but as the wind kept moving it, it started to spread across and dissipate into the air until it disappeared entirely. As if it was promising to keep together to form some sort of shape in the sky that we little people down here could sit around and make guesses about, but then it laughs and disappears before anyone can say anything worth remembering. People are kinda like that. I don't know if I mean the not having time to say anything worthwhile or like the clouds. But people are like that. I'm not much of a cynic, but sometimes I just know these things. Its like a gut feeling but then I'm never sure what my gut feeling is about until after it happens which of course makes it pretty useless. Lots of things would be pretty neat if we knew what we were supposed to do with them beforehand. Kinda like with this guy...maybe running into him was some great opportunity to be compassionate or something like that but right now I was just staring, and not even at him anymore but at the clouds. So I looked back at him and realized that his gaze was still looking straight ahead, just like when I first happened across him in the allyway shortcut home from the grocery store. I had just bought some flour to make cookies for my little brother's birthday party, I didn't really want to but sometimes moms just give you that look and you know you'd better just get your butt out the door and buy the flour, which is why I didn't have any money left. Just a few pennies and I think giving him pennies would have been more of an insult. So if I had known, I woulda grabbed a few extra dollars, but here was my gut instincts failing me again. He still didn't change what way he was looking. I looked a bit closer and his body wasn't actually moving at all. He was stiff, kinda like a woman stuck in one of those bodices they used to wear way back when, except not breathing. So I pulled out my cell phone and called the police to let them know a dead man was sitting in the alleyway. Well not really sitting, but I didn't actually know what else to call it. I guess he was kinda propped up or something. He must have died from the cold, even though it was sunny. I think it was the wind that did it.

Prince Charming is an Alien

2009-07-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

[revised after a conversation with Hilary Grunder who helped me figure this out a bit more]

Yes, that is what I said. Prince Charming is an alien. But before you think I am a chronic cynic, please let me explain.

In today's "someday my prince will come" culture, the idea placed in the heads of many young girls is that someday that perfect man will come and rescue them from their troubles. For years, many of us have lived lives of struggle where our value and worth are often called into question and we hide and change ourselves to simply survive. We live day by day hoping that someday everything will be different and this struggle will soon be over. That one day, we will be rescued from all of this.

That doesn't sound so bad...right? And so often our expectation is that a man will come and, just like in Cinderella, take us away from our evil stepmothers and finally show us what it is like to be loved and valued and we can live happily ever after. But when Prince Charming also has struggles...suddenly we feel un-rescued. And suddenly, everything seems the same and we are right back in the same situation we were before. So this idea of Prince Charming coming to rescue us leaves no room for him to be human. How completely unfair to the wonderful men who come into our lives! Which is why I think Prince Charming must be an alien. Now if that works for Cinderella, great. I personally say, no thank you.

I would much rather be in love with a man. A man who is human and will struggle, but a man who I can also stand beside as we seek to find the answers to our struggles in God. For that is the only person who can actually rescue us, both women and men. The only one who can come and take away our problems entirely and be completely steadfast and perfect for us to rely forever in the future is Jesus Christ. Our culture, subtly, tells us to place our hopes of salvation upon a romance and a Prince coming to rescue us. In one very beautiful way, romance is picture of salvation and men are, I think, a type of Christ figure to help us to understand the way that Christ loves us. But place the responsibility of salvation upon their shoulders is entirely unfair and only destructive to both sides. So first and foremost, we must hold onto Christ, the first lover of our souls and our only true Savior.

And yet, God did in fact give us romance for a reason. I seems that there is something inherent to romance that helps a person learn to love and be loved, and in some real sense men do rescue women. They show us what it is like to be loved in a tangible way, to have a friend to come alongside as we struggle not to fix it all but to help us seek the one who can fix it, to understand our value, and many many other things. They can be and are our heroes [I have personally experienced more healing and restoration because of the wonderful man God has placed in my life right now, than I have in a very very long time].

But all that to say...Prince Charming is an alien. Sorry Cinderella. It makes a great story though...I still think there is something beautiful about fairy tale romances, and we can actually learn a great deal from them, but they are not real, that is all.

{also, this song i think perfectly exemplifies what I am talking about. Not at all to bash on Taylor Swift, I actually love her music and I actually really like this song and think there actually quite a few good things to be gleaned from it, but it is also a very good reminder of how our culture is conditioning girls to look at men and I think it is very harmful to both genders...so listen to it if you like and see what I mean}

Also, another song that addresses the need to find the Lord as our Salvation. I'm not sure if they are Christian...but the song certainly can speak to this topic.

Show Me What Im Looking For - Carolina Liar

Since Now Is the Perfect Time to Prove This Point

2009-06-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

The desert of Southern California gets its water from two places: Colorado and Northern California

Northern California sends water to Southern California down the California Aquaduct[see picture]

Up here, we are rationing water.

As in, we turn off the water between the beginning and end of our showers..otherwise, if we use too much, we get huge fines.

I am sure that if I went to Biola they would still be watering the sidewalks.

That is all I have to say.

Reading List and Summer Projects

2009-06-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

So this summer I am attempting to read a number of books ... and once I get the reading list for the Trinity Meta-Torrey I shall be adding those into the top priority places. I plan to write on some of them [maybe all?? but that is too ambitious to set as a goal...i'll only frustrate myself!] So here is what I am reading:

Currently - Till We Have Faces ~ C.S. Lewis [such an amazing book...still not sure all that he is doing with it, want to read it again once i know the ending. But if you have not read this book -- READ IT!]

Future books:

At the Back of the North Wind ~ George MacDonald

Lilith ~ George MacDonald

Life of Moses ~ Gregory of Nyssa

The Problem of Pain ~ C.S. Lewis

Miracles ~ C.S. Lewis

The Holy Spirit: Eastern Christian Traditions ~ Dr. Stanley Burgess

The Holy Spirit: Ancient Christian Traditions ~ Dr. Stanley Burgess

Then some poetry by Eliot and MacDonald

So we shall see how that goes. I also have a number of projects going on this summer. With blogging I am wanting to finish up the series on Faith and the Faithfulness of God [for those of you following, this has a good ending, I promise] and also start a series called When Science Has No Answer that will be a series of documented miracles from our church for the purpose of archiving them and also having them to look back on and see God's faithfulness to help inspire my trust in Him for the future. I posted one a long time back about my sister's healing.

As for other projects, I am helping to lead a college group this summer so that is exciting. The focus is going to be service projects and ministry to the poor as we read and apply the book of Acts. I am really excited about some of the ideas that the group is coming up with...this is going to be a great summer in that respect!

Also *hopefully* making a music video for a local band called Signed by You. Their song Popular Demand is quite interesting and I look forward to collaborating with them to make this project. Its just that age old problem of time and money. meh.

Other than that I am working at Tuesday Morning still, taking a math class online, and trying to reconnect with family and friends.

And James is coming to visit in 16 days!!! Wooooooo!!!!! [not a project, but i'm still excited :) ]

Overall a lovely summer. Yes, a lovely summer indeed.

Faith Part II - The Problem of Job

2009-06-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

~Behold, all that he has is in your hand~ Job 2:3

So I had fallen off the monkey bars [read post below for context]. Here was my problem…Job. I have never been so emotionally struck reading a book before. I cried and cried while reading the book [at this point I want to thank Katelynn Camp for her kindness in letting me cry on her futon]. I was at a breaking point when I opened up that book. My mom’s cancer was at a critical point excruciating pain forever in her voice over the phone, my sister had been talking to me just a few days ago, locked in her room with a 103 degree fever, shaking and crying because she was so afraid she would get my mom sick and that she would die. My Dad was overworked, trying to hold 2-3 jobs at a time just to pull my family through. I had finally begun to address personal issues in my life, and I was overwhelmed, convicted, condemned and afraid. I wanted things to settle down, but my family’s track record was not in favor of such. How did I know if once we got through this major illness, another one would not follow closely after its heels as it so often did? What the heck was God doing? Didn’t he see how my parents had sacrificed everything to serve him? How could he let a child so young as my little sister was suffer through such horrible pain and social stigma?

And then came Job…with his gut-wrenching questions of God. If I was feeling like I was suffering, how great the pain and sorrow of this dear man of God must have been. To have lost so much, so quickly. Where was the sin that he had committed? Job knew he was blameless before God, a man of righteousness, he had not horrendous sin to atone for [not to say he was perfect…but he was not hiding idols in his tent or some other gaping-hole-in-the-earth-swallows-man-and-family type of sin]. And his friends ramble and rant. And God stays silent.

The crucial problem that I have with this book lies in chapters 1-2. In the beginning of the book, as you all know, God and Satan talk. The conversation goes like this [abridged from ESV]: The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth…” “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away evil?” “Does Job fear God for no reason?...You have blessed the work of his hands…but stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” “Behold, all that he has is in your hand.”

Okay, so correct me if I was wrong, but it seemed like God was almost taunting Satan with Job. Why does He even bring Job up at all? To show off about how great some of his followers are? And if perhaps I am going too far here…in 2:3 God admits that Satan “incited me against [Job]. Why does Satan have this sort of ability? Should God, the almighty God, be able to be incited by Satan? What is God up to? It feels as if Milton is right that God is just using humanity to get one up on Satan. God could not possibly be so petty. And also, for those of you who have always heard [as I have] that Satan was the one who caused the suffering but God simply stood by and allowed it to happen…nay. In 42:11 the scripture says [and this is the narration not a person speaking…since many times in this book people say things that are quite faulty] “[they] comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him”. The context of this verse is at the very end, after Job has repented and given sacrifices to atone for his sinful friends and the Lord is restoring Job’s fortunes. So in the context of this seemingly resolved situation, God is given full, active responsibility for this suffering and evil. It sets up God as the giver of evil. Not Satan. And I had…and honestly still have…no idea what to do with this.

How do I trust a God who does this sort of thing? Who seems to allow so much suffering in my own life and in the lives of my dear friends. And my faith was shaken. For I had not ever truly believed and had firm foundation that God was good. I had been taught as much…but when it came to it, I don’t think I believed it. Or else, would I have been so shaken. And these questions seemed insurmountable. And God’s answer was only “I am God, you are man” and a rebuke for seeking to understand the ways of God. How could this be enough for Job? Who only chapters before [9-10] had complained that it is impossible to bring a suit before God, for who could judge God and tell Him he was unjust or unfair. The account would forever go unanswered, because he is so much more powerful than we. So if God was unjust, who could stop Him? Perhaps the best way to avoid suffering was to follow the Greeks and try to be just pious enough to avoid disdain or pleasure. Then at least God would leave you alone and not boast about you to Satan and then have your children all killed and land destroyed. When considered in human reasoning, this seems the best course of action.

But then, I knew that was wrong. So what was I supposed to do? How was I to trust God? I felt lost and turbulent and so lost not having the foundation of faith that I had always clung to in the past….

New Perspective on Faith - Part I

2009-06-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

~Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.~ Hebrews 11:1

This past semester has been trying to say the least. I have been truly tested in my faith in God. I used to think that I trusted in God...until I realized I didn't. Have you ever had one of those moments when you were certain you could do something, knew how to handle it perfectly [or at least sufficiently] only to realize that you couldn't do so at all? It's one of those moments like when you were in Kindergarten and the 3rd graders were all going across the monkey bars and you know for a fact you can do it too. So you climb the ladder and reach your tiny hand to grab ahold of the first bar. You grip tightly. Confidence rises...you know that you can do it. You swing forward onto your next hand, you've got this. Another hand and it keeps going...but suddenly your strength begins to fail. Your fingers slip. Stubbornly you try to grip tighter, but it's too late. You feel sick as the bar begins to slip away. Your feet kick, as if they can help to push you back up. But no use. Finger by finger you slip. Shame washes over you before your last finger even slips from the bar. Your eyes are hot with unshed tears. And then the fall. Hardly noticeable. The pain from the fall is nothing compared to the overwhelming shame and guilt. Then you run. Run from the embarrassment. Run to save face as best you can. Run to feel your shame alone.

That is what it feels like to realize that you do not really have the faith in God that you think you do. I realized that this semester [more of this story to follow, but this is just my intro to a series of posts I want to publish on Faith], but the wonderful thing about falling off the monkey bars is that you have the chance to get back on them. You have the chance to actually learn how to climb across. For as long as that child thought she knew how to cross, she would never learn. But as soon as we fail, we finally get the chance to learn to do something right. So, as long as I thought I was trusting God when really I wasn't, I would never actually be able to trust him. But in failing, I was able to learn the hard process of building trust in God. And I pray that as I post what I have learned about Faith, perhaps it may help others as well.

Directing Project 1

2009-04-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

This is my first directing project from this first semester. My roommate Stephanie and I actually did this to each other...haha. It's been fun :) The girl who shows up first is supposed to be Stephanie and the second girl is supposed to be me [as far as story goes...for anyone who was wondering]. Otherwise, it is just a fun short film. Enjoy!

PS. My apologies, I cannot make the widescreen format fit the blog window...i'll work on that one eventually.

The Tree and Fountain

2009-01-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

While walking one day a friend and I came upon a tree with paper-like bark and remarked at how sad it is when the bark is stripped from a tree that it dies. We moved on to talking about wrinkles and age, and how in The Golden Key by George MacDonald, the older a person is, the more beautiful he or she becomes [i'll write more on that later]. However, we both resolved to write the story of a tree stripped of her bark.
This is mine...

She calls him deeper
The boy with the dark black curls
To play in the woods
To be lost in her branches
To see her amongst the host of trunks and leaves.
He hears the call and steps in
Tender feet crunch leaves and twigs
And he touches her bark and peers deeply

The mountain calls him higher
The man with the dark black curls, now masked with grey
His weary eyes peer down at the old parchment
They said he’d never find it
But now he must, else she dies.

The boy reaches his hand out
Peels back the bark from her branch
Reluctantly it lets go and her pure, smooth bark shines
His breath quickens, heart pounds
Twigs crack at slow, retreating footsteps

He cannot read the map for the shaking of his weathered hands
As hers so often do
No longer does she embroider, her hand too unsteady to thread a needle
Her face weathered, her body weary
Yet her face smiles with deep beauty and her clouded eyes blanket her dear ones
But he cannot see it.

Her brilliance pulls the boy back and he is drawn
The bark tears more easily now
Turning it over and over in his hand
Brushing the soft wood with his young fingers.
She pleads with him to stop,
The layers protect what is precious within
But he cannot hear it.

The crest of the mountain disappears behind in the mist
The mist that flows down the crevices and valleys
Down to the lake.
It’s surface smooth, perfectly reflecting the barkless trees that surround
Flawless.

She had asked him to stay…not to go on this journey
But he didn’t hear her.

The man approaches the water,
Dips his hand cautiously and rejoices.

The boy drops the bark and walks towards her
His lust for the smoothness blinds him
He rips the bark away, strips her
Poping and cracking
Insects that took refuge within her flee
New twigs are ripped off, cut short by the violence
He peels her layers away, driven by the trunk beneath.

She pleads with him to stop, but he cannot hear
He is fixed upon her.

The man stumbles through the door and offers her the water
She reaches her hand out to him and accepts it.
Poping and cracking echoes through the house
Wrinkles that took refuge within her flee
Her face pulled taut, the skin flat across her face

The bark is completely stripped away,
He steps back and sees the smooth wood beneath.

He steps back and looks at her face
Weariness has gone and youth has returned
She lowers her eyes, ashamed, exposed
As her wisdom turns brown and falls to the ground
Her eyes harden, the compassion given from years of life has fled.
The gentle touch and knowing caress leave her now supple hands
The gentle tremor in her voice vanishes
And her youth shines forth.

The tree shivers and wind blows against it
The boy is gone and she is
Dead.

The man steps back and walks away
Her husband is gone and she is
Dead.

to give these pictures permanent htmls

2009-01-02T22:51:00.000-08:00

i'm putting them here...ignore this post.

Trusting God...

2008-12-26T11:29:00.001-08:00

...is such a difficult thing to do. The easiest course of action is to run to anxiety, as if somehow I can make sense of the situation. But really, what is anxiety other than pride...somehow I think I can figure out the situation better than God so I worry about what answers I will find? No. Trust is humility. It is saying, "Lord, you know better than I, so I choose to trust you." Does this mean that we stop searching for answers? Certainly not. God has given us discernment and wisdom so we might figure out the best course of action...but not in our own power. This searching for answers must be found in the trust that God will provide the solution. Anxiety stems from thinking that if we don't find the answer on our own, the situation will not be resolved and all will fail. Trust stems from knowing that in our search for an answer, God will reveal it to us.

God, help me put my trust in you.

MY BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED!!!!

2008-08-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm down in La for my brother's wedding [for those of you thinking...she doesn't have a brother...i know i know, but Mike's been my big brother for over 5 years, so it counts ;P] He is marrying Heidi, one of the most amazing young women I know. She just graduated from Azusa Pacific and is now moving up to NorCal [after the honeymoon of course]. The wedding is down in Rancho Cucamonga [sp?] at this place with a great outdoor setting, lots of trees, flowers, grass, and SHADE [it is LA after all]! Next to the wedding there is a hall for the reception made of dark wood, and cast iron railings...really pretty.

My sister is gonna be one of the bridesmaids, she's been getting ready ALL day. haha...i never knew it was possible to that much make-up on ;) Oh well, I guess I'm not really into that so much [the hours of getting ready that is, being a bridesmaid is cool], but she's enjoying it. So that is good. She looks gorgeous in her little black dress.

My dad is doing the ceremony, i am simply attending. Which means I get to have fun today! whoohoo!!

And then i'll be back down here in 7 days to move in to Biola. haha...it's almost torture being this close and not getting to step on campus/see the local kids down here. :/

Oh well, 7 more days...7 more days...

New Name

2008-08-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

I also need to come up with a better name for the film than "Kailye"...any thoughts?? I'm thinking something short, but very symbolic. Lemme know if you've got any suggestions. thanks!

Final Cut on Kailye

2008-08-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

Kaylie from ordinaeriegirl on Vimeo.

[only thing we still need to fix is the cafeteria scene, the two parts are switched. oops.]

After this, we are going to try and enter this into a few film festivals so please be praying that goes well/tell me what you think of it before we enter it.

Also, Evangeline and I are planning on getting it scored, but i'm starting to like the music we have. So any thoughts on the music part would be greatly appreciated!!!!

Suits, Dresses, and Machine Guns

2008-07-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

The place was Sarah Grunder's house.
The time was 8 pm.
The male subjects arrived in full suits without warning.
Guns were supplied.
Female subjects dressed approprately.
A shooting ensued.
The following is the direct result of the shoot.

I think I forgot to mention...

2008-07-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

...that I ended up getting hired. At this closeout retail store called Tuesday Morning. I guess the store started up years ago as a garage sale that the owner had every Tuesday Morning, and then it eventually turned into a national chain. Pretty cool. Mostly I clean, and organize, and clean some more. But it's a job and i get paid. Plus, everyone there is really, really nice! So it's a low stress job, I get through my shift fast, and i'm really starting to like being there :)

Prayer Request

2008-06-26T10:18:00.001-07:00

Hey you all,

So I'm pretty sure I told most of you this already, but my mom has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer this past week. Apparently it is the most aggressive type you can have, so it's pretty intense. She'll be having a double mastectomy in a few weeks and then start into six months of chemo afterwards. This is going to be a really tough journey for her and she's already exhausted from being very ill with an unknown fever and such for the past eight months. So if you all could please be praying I'd really appreciate it a lot. If you are interested in what is going on, I made her a blog so she can keep in touch with people and let them know what's going on. The URL is leslynmusch.blogspot.com Thanks so much for your prayers.

And while on this subject, if you are praying please also lift up my friend's (Brian) dad (Mr. Hinds) who is currently battling brain cancer, among other things. There have been a lot of complications lately, fortunately he is now recovering, but divine healing for this cancer would be amazing!

I pray to one day be able to write about healing for both my mom and Brian's dad! God knows what He is doing and He'll work this all out. Praise Him!

You Know You Live in a Sketchy Part of Town When...

2008-06-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

...your parents send you to the grocery store with the warning "Be careful, three people were killed over there a month ago."

Oh dear.

Exciting News!!

2008-06-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

The final cut on Kailye is almost done. **major props to Evangeline**

I'm super excited!!!

Squee!!!

(i'll post it as soon as it's done)

I Think I Have Bad Luck

2008-06-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

So here is an update on my job hunt. I got hired at a discount retail shop called Tuesday Morning. That's great and non-confusing. I then went in to interview at Crabtree & Evelyn (lotion shop for those of you who don't know) and the lady hired me on the spot! --or so it seemed-- apparently she actually has to get this approved by the regional manager and he's not even sure if he's hiring. So I guess I'm not employed there...even tho I am. I dunno. So i interviewed at Pier 1 too and hopefully one of those will come through. This is starting to remind me strangely of the first time I ever got hired for a job tho...

...Sarah and I had been looking for our first jobs and she convinced me that Starbucks was gonna be the best place to work in the world. So we both dropped off applications and did interviews and we both got hired!!! The lady on the phone was really enthusiastic and gave me all the dress code info [I had to buy like 50 worth of black clothes and shoes] and how the first day of work would go talk, etc. So i'm enthused and so I drive down to the store for my first day of work. Problem. Nobody in the entire store knows I was supposed to come in. So they set me up and make me mop the floor and stuff...they can't really figure out what else to do with me. So then they send me home early and are like, "Well, come back tomorrow. Good job and stuff." That evening the manager calls me.

"Hi is this Karyn?"
"Yes, how are you?"
"I'm fine but I'm calling to work out a mistake. You see we didn't know you were coming in today because I actually didn't mean to hire you. I was supposed to hire a girl named Monica [may I just point out how easy it would be to confuse the two names ;) ]. So you actually aren't hired here."
"Oh. Okay, thanks."

Well.
She hangs up.
And I'm suddenly now unemployed and questioning if this can actually happen.
But I'm too timid to question it.
At least I got a new pair of shoes out of the deal.
:)

A Great and Epic Quest

2008-05-27T23:47:00.000-07:00

So I have officially decided to get a summer job. I arrived at this wonderous conclusion after deciding not to work on a feature film this summer and to stay at home. That decided I must now embark on finding reputable employment. My choices seem slim since I can only apply at places hiring for the summer and that seems to be a choice frowned upon by many upstanding businesses. However, my hopes are not to be dashed and resume in hand I shall go forth and become employed. Thus far my choices are:

1) C28 (maybe they'll hire me)

2) a bookstore (any kind will do)

3) a restaurant (seating hostess)

4) anyone who will hire me

I shall update soon on the results of my job hunt. Until then ta ta and happy hunting.

My Film Project this Semester

2008-05-26T00:19:00.000-07:00

This is the film that I worked on with Evangeline over this semester. The story deals with a girl who is struggling with body image and eventually finds herself trapped inside a self-made prision. It's all pretty symbolic and the music isn't done, but here it is for now. Hope you like it.

Back Home

2008-05-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

So guess the semester has been a long one, because I haven't posted anything on here...for a long time. sorry. I hope you all didn't get too board. Anyways...I finished the play and was convincingly scary, worked on a ton of film projects, registered online as a casting director, and got through my first year of college without dying completely. Overall a good year was had. And now I'm home...and missing LA, but glad to be back. I may be working on a project over this summer but I'll let ya'll know more about that when i get more info tomorrow.

Love to you all and hope that your summer is wonderful
~Karyn (the going to be better blogger)

Pursuits on Performance

2008-02-11T17:04:00.000-08:00

"Alack for mercy!"

I am now a member of the cast for Torrey's presentation of "The Tempest". I auditioned last semester and got cast in december and now rehearsal's are fully underway. So from 9-12 every monday, tuesday, and wednesday and am basically in fairy bootcamp. Fairy bootcamp is a very regimented training program meant to turn unassuming college students in creepy, spirits who do the bidding of the sorcerer Prospero. So far, we are basically not used to being in human bodies and use our limbs only in cases of great need. Otherwise, fairies are strange creatures who are half-present in this reality. Sharp head movements and then moments of staring into the black oblivion are normal as are very angular and jerky movements. So basically we spend 3 hours running back and forth in strange manners and jerking our heads around. Eventually the effect should be quite spooky...right now my legs hurt. But it's all for theater and I'm loving it!

Among other things, I am also a co-host on a Biola Radio Show called the Motley Cool. Melissa (my friend down here) started it and is the host joined by Blake, Andrew and myself as her "Motley Cool". We basically talk for an hour each week about current issues and other ideas. Last week was our SUPER show talking about Super Bowl, Super Tuesday, and Super Popular TV shows. This week we are going to talk about Valentine's Day and what the meaning of love is on our society and what it should be. So if you have a free moment on Thursday nights at 9, stop by biolaradio.com and give our show a listen!!

Praying you are all doing well!

Back at Biola

2008-01-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

So I am now back at school!

Quick Update: The film shoot went great and i was working 14 hour days and loving it! Mostly I was working with actors and extras and making sure everyone was doing their jobs and the set was running smoothly while the director did his whole directing thing. It was great and tiring, but so worth it. We filmed in the cool historic town that is still the same as it was in the 1890's and in this little cabin 20 mins away down an icy road of death. Yep so pretty awesome. Hopefully i'll get more work like this in the future...until then i'm stoked!

So Kaitlyn and I are now living just the two of us on campus. Sarah moved out so now there is a TON more space in the room. We got a lamp and a couch and some other fun stuff and it really feels homey and peaceful in here. We have such similar styles that everything we put up matches perfectly. it's pretty funny.

So classes start on monday and i still have some work to do before then, but not a lot so i'm mostly catching up with friends and such. It's been great to have a few days to readjust. Missing every one back home a lot, but i think this semester is going to be good.

So tomorrow...

2008-01-14T12:51:00.000-08:00

...I'm leaving for a pre-film trailer shoot for an actual film! I'll be the 2nd Assistant Director (AD) and working with mostly the actors and the directors to make sure everything runs smoothly and on time. I'll - hopefully - be updating this as i go since the shoot runs from tuesday to saturday, but if not i'll definitely let you all know how it went soon after i get back. :) If you think of it please be praying for travel safety for the cast and crew and wisdom for me to be able to do my job well, since i'm fairly nervous about it.

Thanks all and hope you are enjoying/have enjoyed your Christmas Break!!!

The Other Hand

2007-12-30T23:02:00.000-08:00

This is the story of how my grandparents met. It was such a sweet story i wanted to write it and put it up here.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she asked him playfully as they walked hand-in-hand across the quad. He paused, looked off into the distance for a moment as if pondering a great decision, then leaned forward and kissed her.
“…and I suppose that’s what he was thinking about,” ended my grandmother, matter-of-factly. She had been telling me the story of their meeting all afternoon. They had met her first year of college at a small Christian university in Tennessee. He was sophomore biological sciences major and she was a spunky freshman who wanted to be a lab assistant. While learning to mouth pipette acids, she met him in the lab. She quickly overcame his shyness and they became close friends.
“One night,” she continued. “We were studying for chemistry in the library. We had apparently hidden ourselves away in stacks quite well, because when we came out the library was deserted. Your grandfather walked up to the door and declared it locked. We were stuck and late for dinner. Now at that school, if you missed dinner, everybody noticed. And if we missed dinner together…well. Your grandfather and I ran around the entire library trying all the rooms without any luck. Visions of being forced to spend the night in the deserted room began to fill my head. Then, and I’m sure this was God’s grace, he spotted an open window! Now I wasn’t much of an athlete, so he had to help me down out of the window after he had jumped down…but he didn’t seem to mind too much.”
She giggled to herself and then proceeded to tell me that they had indeed been late to dinner and got quite a talking to afterwards from their professor who apparently had no appreciation for the fact that they librarian had locked them in. So they decided to start dating the second semester of my grandmother’s sophomore year. My grandfather was double-majoring at the time and was incredibly busy, yet he always seemed to have time for grandma. By the time my grandfather was in his senior year, he was fairly certain that she was the one for him.
“Late that night, he took me out by the fountain and we were walking hand-in-hand. Oh, it was quite taboo in that time to do so, which was just silly, but we figured nobody was watching. We talked and talked and I could tell he was getting at something but he never quite got up the courage to ask me straight out. Well, we kept walking when suddenly Dean McClelland walked up behind us, pointed to our clasped hands and said, ‘What are you saving for marriage, Mahley!’ Now your grandfather turned around, looked him the eye and said, ‘The other hand, sir.’ That was quite saucy, but fortunately Dean McClelland thought it was funny. So did I.”
I later found out that my grandfather did not propose to her that night, but he did eventually. He dropped to his knee, held out a ring and offered her his other hand.

My Dad is looking into getting one of these...

2007-12-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

A Bit of Narnia News

2007-12-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

A don't think very many people will care about this...but i'm gonna write it anyways.

The voice of Reepicheep the mouse has just been cast as...Dun da da da -- Eddie Izzard!

Chelsea and Kelsey, now is your time to rejoice.

PS. I'm an evil giraffe....

GYRAD

2007-11-11T15:06:00.000-08:00

So there is this tradition at Biola called a GYRAD...or Get Your Roommate A Date (oh yes, we are so creative here!) The idea being that the entire floor of a dorm goes out on a group date and you get your roommate a date for it. All very casual (just to clarify...for any concerned Fathers who may be feeling the urge to get out their gun collections...hehe)

Well, said tradition took place Friday night to the enjoyment and excitement of all. So I got Kaitlyn a date with Jon, a guy we know from film classes, and she got me a date with Nathan, a guy I know through Torrey. Chelsea went with Barak, another Torrey guy who is in the picture. (Just a side note, I feel I need to take a moment to say how incredible the guys in Torrey are. A bunch of the girls on our floor had dates who backed out either one or two days before the GYRAD and just left them hanging. They were left without any idea of what to do...since they had already paid to go...so, thanks to phone calls from Irene and Chelsea, the Torrey guys stepped in at the last minute so these girls would not be left without dates. It was quite kind of them, since most of them had other things they could have been doing. So yeah, Torrey guys are awesome!)

Anyways...back to the GYRAD. Our theme was "Unbeleiveable" so couples were encouraged to dress up. Nathan and I went as hippies and he drove me and "Mary Poppins" and "her dear chimney sweep" in his old bug that was actually from the 70's. We went to Ripley's Believe It or Not and did a scavenger hunt....well, some groups did scavenger hunts...and others were geeks who went around reading all the signs. :)

The Museum was quite interesting....not too much that was really all that unbelievable, but put in context of the early 1900's I can see how a lot of the African tribal stuff would seem really extraordinary. I guess that with all the cultural awareness, the novelty of things like that has faded. But I learned a lot of random trivia facts...and had fun Chels and Nathan and Barak.

So for dinner we drove to In-N-Out, sat at a table across from the Greek gods (aka. Irene and Charlie...yes they actually wore bedsheets and bathrobes and looked quite godlike if i do say so myself). After that we went back to campus and watched Big Fish. I actually really liked that movie...it was an interesting way of looking at mythic truth. Except that the actor who played the dad looked a lot like my grandpa who spun tall tales and it was hard to watch him die at the end...it kinda brought that whole experience back, so I just didn't watch.

After that Nathan and I went over to the game night Milton was hosting and I played Halo with the guys for a while (Bryant said my cool points went up just for playing...even though i got slaughtered). Then Nathan left for word as some of the girls I knew showed up, so I hung out with them for a while. Went on a musical walk around campus with Brian and Bethany...and finally went to bed. All in all...a good day was had.

I've Been Practicing Photography Lately...

2007-11-03T21:43:00.001-07:00

...and thought I would share some of them here. I'll try to give some background to them to update you all on what's been going on and who I'm getting to know down here.

This is Brian chilling in Emerson (one of the dorms). I took this during Torrey Bible Conference, where the entire school cancels classes for three days and and brings in speakers to focus on the spiritual part of our lives. It was such a refreshing and convicting time...I prayed for God to really convict me there...and let me tell you...He has. Please keep me in your prayers if you think of it, as I'm trying to re-order my life.
Another pic at Emerson [same day].

Okay so, honestly, who can pass up a beautiful brick wall. My friends were very patient with me. I asked Becky to model for me and she willingly obliged. :)

Another of my brick wall victims. Blake is another PK from NorCal. His parents lead a Vineyard-like church up near Redding . He and I have been planning Movie Nights for some of our friends down here [including one night when we stayed up till 4am watching Gladiator and Braveheart]. You gotta love weekends :D Chelsea in "Frequency". I already posted about that, so no need to tell you more, but I did get a plug from Felicia [one of the girls who worked on the film] at the film society on campus and ended up getting a job as an extras co-ordinator on a music video for an indie group called Sometimes Y that was filming on campus!
Turell and Blake at one our trips to Disneyland. Turell lives in my floor and is one of the sweetest girls I know here.

No worries, it's only a nerf gun! While walking to the park one day [Chelsea got about 20 of us to go walk to the park and play on this amazing playground...people looked at us strangely, then, when they realized we were really just going to play at the park thought we were very cute] Barak and Christian asked me to take this picture for them. It turned out pretty well.

My mom actually figured out how to take this picture. this is actually my necklace in front of the lens and not a shadow. I can't tell you how many people ask me if I'm Jewish down here becasue I wear this everyday. I tell them I'm part, but want to learn more about the traditions. I actually met a girl who is the head of the Jews for Jesus group down here and as soon as I get a chance I want to start getting to know her better. She's offered to take me to a messianic synagogue sometime during the next year. So that should be exciting :)

So that's about it. Right now I'm bogged down in writing a paper...and being sick. :( bleh, i don't like being sick, except that it gives me a good excuse to blog :)

Praying for all of you back home and can't wait to see you when I get home for Thanksgiving!!

Vote For Insomnia Films

2007-10-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is late in getting up, but here are the links to two of the films that Biola students made, there were four, but these two were my favorites. "Until I Return" is the project a number of my friends worked on (Hannah and Evangeline) and "Suburban Tea" is just hilarious and my friend scored it. So please, please, please take the time to register and vote. It seriously only takes 5 minutes (well...8 if you watch the 3 minute film...haha) to vote and we could use all the votes we can get!!!!! Thanks guys!!

SARAH!!!!

2007-10-25T18:31:00.000-07:00

Is coming today...it is now 6:31...and I get to go pick her up at 10. Hmmm...that's 3 1/2 more hours. Can I wait 3 1/2 more hourse....I don't think so. I think i'm going to explode...yep, yep, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm just going to explode from happiness and not being able to wait till 10. Haha. That would be unfortuante, because then how could I talk to her if I have exploded. I guess I'll just have to wait then...and keep writing my paper...

HURRY UP AND BE 10!!!!!!!!

Frequency Take 2

2007-10-15T23:01:00.001-07:00

So a few of you have been having trouble watching the video in the post below, so I'm went ahead and just uploaded it to YouTube and will stream it from here. I guess Google's video uploader is still flukey.

Frequency and Insomnia

2007-10-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

The film you...hopefully...just watched [if not, stop reading now and watch the film!] is the final product of my insane Saturday. It's a long and happy story, with a very sad ending. So keep reading....

Well...I'm about to go to bed...finally. A good night's sleep will do me good. I've only slept 4 hours in the past 48. Why may you ask? It's because I'm an insomniac! No...I don't have a sleeping disorder, I was working on a 24 hour film festival called Insomnia. The competition was sponsored by Apple and required that teams write, produce, edit, and submit a film in 24 hours. I was, greatly against my better judgement, recruited for a production team last Thrusday for what turned out to be the most exciting project I've ever worked on. So on Saturday morning I met with Kendall (our producer and cinematographer), Blake (our director), and Bryant at 5:45 to begin on pre-production. At 6am Apple revealed the elements that we had to incorporate into our film [they give us certain locations and production techniques that we have to incorporate creatively into the film] and we began writing. By the time the cafeteria opened for brunch at 10:30 we already had a story written and planned out [Also, our final team member Felicia had joined us by that point]. At brunch, I got a call from my friend Grace who is a music composition major who offered to score some of the music for us!!!! So she ended up spending the day scoring the two songs for the dance scenes. At 2 we started filming :D

Filming went SO well for the first few hours. The lighting was perfect, the actors were brilliant, our crew was working together perfectly and the entire experience was so exciting and totally surreal. And then we hit a hitch. The next location we were going to shoot at was completely locked. And we had eleven extras coming in three minutes. I ran out to try to gain access into the building and spent an hour going from campus safety office to campus safety office until i finally found someone working in one of the halls [i must take the opportunity to say how very safe i feel knowing that every safety office is closed over the weekend]. After finally getting in touch with a security officer and being throughly interrogated about who i was and what I was doing...I was denied access to the building. So now an hour behind in our production schedule we set out to set up at another location.

The filming however did go on, and somehow or another our crew managed to make up most of the lost hour. At six we took a break for dinner and then went on to shoot the dance sequences. I choreographed the two dances with Chelsea and Josh (with some invaluable help from Chelsea N. on style) while Blake and Kendall and some other crew members set up the lighting. I'll admit it was so much fun to finally be able to dance again!! [For those of you who don't know, Biola does not allow dancing on campus. grrrr. however, there is an exception for choreographed dance sequences :D ] It was here that things started to become probematic, since we were not able to get the lighting right and ran into snags concerning candles for the Waltz (Felicia had to run back to Wal-Mart to buy some more). So between those two scenes we got a good two hours behind schedule.

Timing aside though, the sequences were so beautiful to watch! Chelsea and Josh picked up the dances so quickly and were able catch the knack of acting while they danced. The set for the Waltz was beautiful! I wanted to lie down on the ground and just soak in the moment of white tables, candles, and dancing while gazing up at the blue and red and yellow lights reflecting off the sweeping white fabric set against the sky.

It was just after midnight when we finally wrapped produciton and we then went literally running to the Production Center to start editing. Alyssa (chelsea's roommate) had just gotten off work and agreed to come and edit for us since she knew how to use the program better than all of us and made the process go so much more smoothly. The next five hours went faster than any I can remember as we frantically made decisions about editing, re-recording audio, and overlaying dialogue (quick note of interest...the dialogue for the Horror Film is Blake and I ...yes I got to scream at the top of my lungs at 3am!!! Fortunately there were no dorms filled with sleeping people nearby). Other insomnia teams were also editing and it was so much fun to see everyone working together to get their projects finished. By 4am the deadline was just two hours away. Everyone was exhausted, frantic, and ready to snap at any moment. We were able to hold it together and at 5:20 our film was done. All that was left was to compress and upload the film. We had given ourselves 40 minutes for what we supposed to be a 20 or 30 minute process. The film started compressing. Twenty minutes later...and much pacing....the film was only about 40% done. At this rate we were gong to miss the deadline. Kendall sent everyone out of the room. We sat nervously in the adjoining room and tried to make small talk about how the filming had gone. At 5:50, ten minutes before the deadline, Kendall walks through the door and tells us that the film is still only about 60% uploaded. There was no way we were going to make it.

The crew took it well. Nobody cast blame. We all accepted it knowing that we had done the best we could. But it was disappointing. There was no denying that. We had worked so hard, and then not to be able to enter due to a computer problem was beyond disheartening.

However, because we never submitted it to Apple, we still own the rights to the film so we're considering fixing up some glitches in the film and making the audio better and then submitting it to the Biola film festival. And, even though the film isn't in the competion, I learned so much from the experience and had one of the best days of my entire life. So I hope you enjoyed watching the move and reading about my day. I miss you all [except of course for those of you who i go to school with who are reading this...but for everyone back home]

~Karyn

PS. And also, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go to apple and vote for one of the other Biola made films in the competition. Our school is gaining a reputation among other more well known film schools and a win in this competition would be awesome!! So tell everyone you know to vote!

To Explain Where I've Been...

2007-10-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

...well, I haven't actually been anywhere unusual. But life has been so crazy these last few weeks. I have mid-terms this coming monday in addition to another film project that happened to fall on the same weekend. So the last week or so I have been working like crazy trying to get everything ready for that. So I probably won't be posting much for the next week at least. But just for a quick update:

My family came down this weekend and it was SO great to have them here. I have missed seeing them so much and was so glad that they could come down. They were able to meet everyone down here and got a glimpse of my life here at Biola. Went to Disneyland on Sunday...and it was gay day...so that was intersting to say the least. But we still had a wonderful time and many meaningful conversations :)

Yesterday I got offered my first internship!! Well...maybe. It depends on what they want and if I can actually figure out a way to make an internship work with school and my lack of car. haha...maybe i could walk. But anyways, it was a really cool story. I was studying in the library with Evangeline and this small film crew walks in and asks if I can walk in the foreground of their shot. So I do and mention that I was a film student. It turns out that they were filming for Lee Strobel (who i had failed to recognize....yay for me. Aaron would be proud...haha) Anyways, they said that they were from Revolution Studios and that they need student interns so I'm going to talk to my film professor tomorrow about how to respond and then go from there. But I was (and am) SO excited.

Finally, I made a short film today that was an advertisement for Ticonderoga pencils. Some guys in our class needed to make it for their English class so we checked out cameras and spit into three units. My unit went down into a parking garage and we filmed a scene where my roommate, Kaityln, and I were dressed as thugs and attacked this guy with a briefcase. He then is miraculously handed two stunningly beautiful Ticonderoga #2 pencils which he throws at us with some force and stops us as we fall dramatically to the ground. The thing I love about film is that it's always the most painful scenes that we get to shoot over and over and over and over. My elbows are still quite sore, but I got off easy since Dan was thrown into a wall on multiple occassions (by yours truly) and skinned his arm pretty bad and Kaitlyn got a huge scrape/bruise on her side. Ouch! The things we do for film. ;)

So that's been my life lately. The next post is probably going to be along the lines of PRAISE BE TO GOD!!! MIDTERMS ARE OVER!!!! Until then!

Arizona

2007-09-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I went on a floor retreat to Arizona. About 30 of us went and I got to know some of the girls on my floor so much better. On Friday, we took about 6 hours to drive there....lots of time to listen to music. :D

Once we got there we ate dinner, watched 'The Holiday' (because what do you do on a girls retreat but watch sappy chick flicks), and played the 'sign' game until 3 am!! The sign game, for those of you who were like me and ignorant to the world of the game, is where you throw an invisible ball by making signs at one another and the person in the middle has to guess where the ball is at any given time. It sounds lame, but it was really fun. Thus, playing it till all hours of the night...or morning.

On Saturday, I went swimming, and read Thucydides and Plato in the mall with the 'we need to do homwork group' while the 'let's go shopping' group went...well, shopping. We then went out to dinner and totally swamped the restaurant with girls. It was pretty fun. :D

Sunday included house cleaning and worship before the drive back home. The car ride was...interesting. Turell and I were trying to read for class on Monday all the while Katie and Erin are plotting to kill me, somehow all the sand made Erin want to bury me on the side of the road. And then when I accidentally told them to turn left off the freeway and we ended up in Anaheim instead of La Mirada, they wanted to kill me even more. But in my defense I told them to go the opposite way of what I suggested, but they didn't listen to me.

So that was my weekend, and I'm still alive so it appears that Katie and Erin were only kidding. :D So family, be happy.

And on a side note, I've taken up running with some girls on my floor. We go run and then do sit-ups and other exercises on the track. It's fun and makes me want to exercise instead of read all day. Which is really tempting right now. So I need to go and do notes before class tomorrow--until the next post!

New Blog

2007-09-25T01:49:00.000-07:00

Just to let you all know, I'm starting a new blog called Where is the Fourth

The blog is going to be a place where I write down what I've been thinking about and hopefully discuss ideas with those of you who would be interested in talking about them. Updates and the like will still be on this blog. So feel free to check it out, I'd love to hear what you all think.

~Karyn

MoonShadows

2007-09-17T00:49:00.000-07:00

This is going to be my first attempt at posting poetry on this blog. Hopefully as time goes by, it will get better, but here it is in any case. Any comments on ways to improve it would be greatly appreciated.

MoonShadows

Moon casts light
But darkness gains
Shadow of the past
Our pain remains

Standing in the cold
Behind me falls
A patch of dark-
My past it calls

The darkness surrounds
Between the stones
The harsh ferns grow
The cold wind moans

Watching specters
Of times gone past
The shimmering light
On water at last

Dimly dancing
Near to me
Then farther on
Brightness I see

Shadows behind,
The light's ahead
Its beckons me
For my past is dead.

Follow the shimmer
The glisten beyond,
And leave all the fears
Of which I'm so fond.

A flower blooms
White like a star
The shadow beneath
Calls hope from afar

I leave the dark
For brightening skies
Moon shadows behind
The sun will rise.

Photoshoot

2007-09-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

For my Visual Aesthetics class I had the most amazing assignment... I had to take 16 photos demonstrating 16 different types of lighting. At first I was incredibley nervous about it...the last assignment that involved lighting....not a pretty picture (literally). I won't even post it on this blog it was so bad. I was afraid that this project would turn out the same, but armed with professional lights and the help of some friends (Kaitlyn, Evangeline, Laurie, and Bryant you guys rock!), the project actually turned out to be really fun and I really started to get the hang of lighting after working on three projects yesterday (mine, Kaitlyn's and Evangeline's) and two more today (Laurie's and the rest of mine).

Mr. Yamada gave us the option to tell a story with the photos, so I chose to tell the story of two lonely hoodie wearers who fall in love. So I hope you enjoy these pictures, I'd love to hear you're comments on them!

Hard Day

2007-09-13T12:45:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone,

So I'm posting to ask for prayer. I've been having a really hard day today. Actually, it started last night, and now it's worse. I think that I've been riding a wave of emotion that has finally crashed. All the stress of school, and moving, and being away and alone has really hit me and it hit hard. On top of that I'm getting sick. I have a headcold that is making me miserable, so much so that all I want to do is climb into bed and read (even Thucydides is sounding good at this point, which is good because that's what I have to read).
Which leads me to also say that it has been so wonderful being in Torrey, I really feel blessed by God to be here, but some of the subject matter that we are covering in these books...I pray before I read it, while I read it, after I read and at times I still feel this deep heartbreak. I grieve for the people who lived under such lies, and to know that these lies are still at work today is heartbreaking. Also, everything I believe is being questioned. The foundations (and may i say, only the foundations) of who I am and what I believe are still firm, but everything else is is crumbling beneath me. I feel this is good, either my beliefs will be shown to be true and they will be rebuild with a stronger foundation or they will be shown false and fall away. It's a good process, but it's so hard. I feel so unstable, so lost at sea. (and I pray there is no albatross flying by my ship).
I have been learning so much here, but lack the time to really explore it throughly. A friend of mine, has been sharing his love of poetry with me and I am truly learning to love it, too. But I just don't have the time to sit and read...it really frustrates me to no end. The same is true with my film classes. I have so many ideas that I want to write down and develop, but I am lost in the chaos of school to find the time to sit write.
So as you can see, I could really use some prayer. Prayer that I would be able to sort through my emotions, prayer that I would get over this cold quickly, prayer that I could read and learn without picking up a spirit of heaviness from these books, prayer that I will find the time I need to accomplish everything, prayer that I will be able to develop the friendships I'm forming here, and most importantly prayer that I would remain steadfast and faithful to staying close to God as my life is being shaken.
So, sorry that this is not a nicer post, but this is how I am right now. Thank you for reading this and caring to get through it. I love you all.

~Karyn

Coming Soon....

2007-09-09T08:26:00.001-07:00

Had my first film shoot on Friday! I came up with the story and directed it with Evangeline (I do the story, she does the shots). As soon as we're finished, I'll post it here. So be on the lookout!

Homer-athon

2007-09-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

Warning: the following post contains very nerdy material presented in an incredibly fun and exciting way. So if you don't want to become a nerd or think that nerdy events are fun, I would caution you against reading this post. It is a hazard to your coolness.

Last weekend I went to the annual THI (Torrey Honors Institute) Homer-athon. And may I say, it was AMAZING!!!! The Homer-athon is an event where all the Torrey students (well, the cool ones who actually go) meet at Dr. Reynolds house and read the Iliad and Odyssey out loud. It took about 19 hours, from 1pm on Sunday afternoon to 8:30 am Monday morning. Needless to say, we were Zombies by the end. So on Sunday, I met up with James (see guy with silly expression in picture) at the library and he walked me over to Dr. Reynolds house (i get lost easily, so he was nice and showed me how to get there). We all sat outside in the 110 degree summer heat (we were told it was so we could experience the heat of battle). So each person signed up to read a book (just fyi, the chapters in the Iliad and Odyssey are called books and there are 24 books in each poem). I read book 16 of the Iliad, it was a war chapter so many people died. It was sad. *sniffle* The best part about reading, was that Dr. Reynolds would randomly start singing some silly song about the wrath of Achilleus or "Glory, Glory, Diomedes" while you are in the middle of your reading. You learn to just keep going and laugh along.

So it eventually got so hot, I was driven to the pool. I thought that it would be a relaxing break, but no. I was drawn into the epic battle between Hektor and Achilleus. As luck would have it I was Hektor. Bryant was Achilleus. We fought over the body of Patroklos (a pool noodle). I died. And then Becky (see picture of girl in pool)built me a funeral pyre out of a raft. Chelsea (see picture) took a lot of pictures and they look really cool. Again, check out her blog to see more of them.

The real battle occurred between Josh (Hektor w/ orange noodle) and Tim (Achilleus w/ green noodle). I actually filmed it so i could put it up here, but somehow i don't have the video anymore. Even so, it was a tragic battle as spear noodles flew through the air. Actually, Hektor was doing very well this year. Some of the older students thought he might win this time. but alas, as always Achilleus won. And Josh died. Like everyone in that book. The Odyssey is so much better in that regard.

At about 2 am, James, Nicole, Brian(see picture of guy passed out by morning), Hannah and I got hungry and decided to go to Wendy's. But as luck would have it, it was closed. (yes, i know, it was 2 am, but it was worth a try). So we decided to run through sprinklers instead and sing songs from musicals. It was amazingly fun. After that, we were still hungry, and since Ben (see picture) informed us over the phone that it was illegal to walk through the drive through at Taco Bell. We walked back to Biola and raided our dorms. Fortunately both Hannah's and my roommates were out of town. So we ate in the basement of Horton and played pool.

After that we went back to Dr. Reynolds house and joined back in the epic tale of Odysseus. I was cast as Nausikaa, the king's ditzy daughter, as well as a seductive sea goddess. But at least I wasn't Paris (Strange Man!). hehe :D

So the reading continued through the night. Many people fell asleep, curled up on the sidewalk. Slowly the sun rose and so did our hopes. We were almost done. YAY!!! At seven in the morning, Mrs. Reynolds brought us donuts! She's the nicest lady. :) And then....Odysseus killed the suitors and we were done! We all read the last line together, woke up the sleepers, and after helping the Reynold's clean up the yard, we went back to the dorms. I slept till 5 that afternoon. Yay for me.

So if you actually read all of this, I'm amazed. Hopefully I didn't bore you all too much.

Hall Competition!!!

2007-08-31T16:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to an all campus dorm competition. It was one of those AWESOME school spirit events where we all dressed up in our hall colors and went to the gym and sreamed and shouted while we played dodgeball. It was quite amazing. My dorm is Horton and our color was black (as you can imagine i had fun with that...see picture). Kaitlyn, my roommate, used eyeliner to So Ho on the cheeks of a few of us (So Ho standing for South Horton). We looked fairly intimidating, and then we got out to the hall and met the Men of Horton. They were dressed like black gladiators of doom. It was incredible, they were wearing black face paint and capes and helmets, the whole deal. And much cooler than, may i say, Hope, the pink dorm. The guys dressed up as pink fairies...not scary...very disturbing. Unfortunately, pink fairy men took the competition and beat us, but we still looked the coolest. And now i have no voice. Oh well. I put a few pictures up on this post, but i didn't want to bring my camera to the gym since I was going to actually play dodgeball :) But Chelsea took a bunch so I may steal a few from her, or if you guys want check her blog (it's Cendrii on the link list) and she'll probably have her pictures up in a few days!!!

GO HORTON!!!!!

(on a side note: commendation is due to the amazing commuter student team. there were about 20 of them, and they beat the entire Alpha Dorm. That, may I say, is some serious skills.)

Homesick

2007-08-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but suddenly I am feeling really homesick. This morning I was doing really well, but now, I just want to cry I miss home so much. Maybe it's because I finally slowed down today. I spent most of the day by myself in the library doing homework, and I guess without the social hype I realized how much I missed home. Kind of makes me afraid of slowing down, but I can't be constantly "on". Oh I don't know...I would really appreciate any prayer. I'm just having a hard time.

The Purpose of Art

2007-08-30T12:31:00.000-07:00

So this is an essay that I wrote, I've been told that I should post it here (sorry english class people, you'll just have to read it again or ignore this post [i would adivse the second option :) ] So here it is:

The Purpose of Art

When I was younger, my grandparents regularly took my sister and I to fine art museums. Unlike many children who thought of these museums as the epitome of boredom, I found them to be fascinating. I would stand for hours gazing at the gorgeous paintings and admiring their beauty. At times, I would stand in front of a single painting for so long that everyone else would get board and eventually tear me away so we could continue our visit. It was during one of these visits that I first came to realize the ability of art to grapple with difficult questions. While I was walking through a Vincent Van Gogh exhibit I asked my grandmother why all of his paintings seemed so sad. She explained that Van Gogh had been a sad, depressed man and that he tried to work through his feelings in his art. Looking at his paintings, I began to wonder what it must feel like to always be so sad. The thought frightened me, and yet I could not stop thinking about this man’s sad life.

In Dorothy Allison’s essay “This is Our World” she puts into words exactly what I was feeling at that moment, “Art should provoke more questions than answers and, most of all, should make us think about what we rarely want to think about at all."(1) Art has an undeniable ability to create questions in a person’s mind and leave a lasting impression long after their initial encounter with the art. Artist’s like Vincent Van Gogh and Pablo Picasso are particularly know for the probing nature of their works. However, art also has an intrinsic ability to answer questions and to be used as a powerful teaching tool. The ornate icons of the church and the hieroglyphic art of Ancient Egypt served this purpose. They were meant to answer questions about religion and life. In light of these two uses of art, I would agree with Allison, but with a qualification. Art can raise questions and cause us to think about things we would otherwise not see only when it is the artist’s intention. The true purpose of art can only be found by exploring the individual artist’s reason for creating his artwork.

To thoroughly explore Allison’s statement and the purpose of art in this essay, I shall limit my discussion to include only visual art and discuss paintings, sculpture, and photographs. While there are many different types of art ranging from murals to motion pictures, I cannot adequately examine them all within the scope of this essay.

When Allison says that art “should make us think about what we rarely want to think about at all”(2) I believe that she is referring to problems, both individual and social, that abound in this world. These problems are many times hidden from our view, and when we finally uncover them, they are often difficult for us to see. However, a problem never resolves itself by being left alone. Other times the problems lie within society. There are times when the traditional way of seeing things can become harmful. Artists are then able to come in and ask questions about the prevalent views of the society.

During the Renaissance, artists started to question traditional methods of artwork as well as traditional ideology found in the Roman Catholic Church.(3) While giving figures and landscapes depth by using the artistic technique of perspective they simultaneously began to question the long held beliefs about man’s depth of relationship with God. The great artist Michelangelo, who lived during the beginning of the Protestant Reformation, dramatically illustrates this shift with his frescos on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. In his fresco The Creation of Adam, Michelangelo paints Adam lying on the ground with his hand outstretched to God, who is reaching back towards Adam from the sky. By showing the creation of Adam as a personal encounter with God, Michelangelo began to question the Catholic teaching that said it was necessary to have a saint mediate between a person on Earth and God. Though not a radical thought today, during that time, the belief that God could be accessed without the aid of a saint was revolutionary. Artwork like Michelangelo’s began to raise questions about established ideas about God.

In addition to raising questions about religion, art can also cause people to look inward and ask questions about themselves. The art of Van Gogh provides a vivid example of art that raises questions about one’s self. Throughout his life Van Gogh struggled with feelings of depression and loneliness. Of his paintings that deal with these issues Fishing Boats on the Beach at Saintes-Maries speaks most strongly to me. In this painting Van Gogh paints eight boats in four pairs symbolizing friendship. One of these boats is named Amite, which means “friendship” in French. To further emphasize the friendship two pairs are on the beach and two are at sea. Even the two seagulls fly in a pair. Then, off in the distance, there is a single red boat. Using the color red to represent himself, as he often did, Van Gogh shows how he was feeling removed and far from the world of friendship. Van Gogh gives another indication of how lonely he felt by painting two yellow boxes far from each other on the beach. By signing one of the boxes, he identifies with that idea of being distanced from others like him.(4) Looking at this painting, one cannot help but think about this man’s life and then while thinking about his loneliness, come to see her own. Often, these feelings are things we would prefer not to think about. In fact, that person might never have realized that part of herself had it not been for the questions raised by the painting.

Not only can art raise questions about individual emotions, but it can also ask questions about difficult circumstances and their impact on us. The Italian artist Umberto Boccioni created a group of paintings in 1911 called States of Mind. These paintings seek to ask questions about what happens when we leave and what happens to those left behind. In his first painting, The Farewells, Boccioni sets a scene at a train station. Dark, swirling colors and faces swept away in smoke create a sense of confusion and chaos that relates to the process of saying goodbye. Those Who Go, his second painting, contains faces that are being tugged across the midnight, blue canvas by thin, oblique lines symbolizing the anguish and confusion they feel as they leave. In his final painting, Those Who Stay, thick, vertical lines pull the faces to the bottom of the canvas showing the sadness and heaviness they feel from being left behind.(5) These three paintings bring up poignant questions about the mental and emotional process of leaving and staying behind. The feelings of confusion and heaviness are emotions that we all are able to relate to since everyone has had to say farewell in some way. These works of art cause us to look inside ourselves and see what impact those difficult situations had on our lives.

Difficult situations can be social as well as individual. Art allows an artist to expose social problems by bringing them to the attention of a larger audience and then raise questions about the situation. The photographer David Goldblatt uses his photographs of the buildings and structures of apartheid South Africa to represent the mental and ideological structures in the nation. In one of his photographs he features a beautiful stairway outside a wealthy vintner’s house. A large white scroll runs along the textured wall, flaunting the owner’s wealth and lofty social status. In another photograph, the opposite extreme is found. A poor woman and her young child lay outside in a worn bed surrounded by their meager belongings. With nothing but sparse brushwood and bushes in the background, the picture creates a sense of poverty and despair. In the caption, Goldblatt explains that the government had literally taken the roof from over their heads. Their small shelter made of brushwood and discarded plastic had been lifted off the ground and destroyed just moments before.(6) Seeing the extreme affluence and poverty side-by-side brings into stark realization the extreme injustice in that part of the world. Things like injustice and poverty, things that are hidden, uncomfortable, and even at times ugly, are often best communicated though art. As we are exposed to these things, we begin to ask questions about how these people feel, why they live the way they must, and what we can do about it.

Art can be a stirring medium through which artists can ask questions and bring to realization the problems of our world. However, in addition to asking questions about life, art is also able to answer those same questions. This property of art was especially utilized during the Medieval Era. In the Middle Ages, Latin was the language of the Church and of the Bible. Unfortunately, only the educated upper class and religious leaders were able to understand and read Latin. The rest of the people only understood the local dialects of their countries and most could not read at all. In response to this problem raised by the illiteracy of the people, he Church turned to art.(7) By creating artwork that depicted the lives of biblical figures and events, they were able to teach the people about their Christian faith. Inside the Roman Catholic Church in Velemér, Hungary there is a fresco that shows the death of Christ.(8) He is shown hanging from the cross with His hands and feet nailed to the wooden beams. His eyes are closed in death. His body hangs thin and emaciated. Blood flows from a wound in His side made by the spear. Two women weep at His side. This picture powerfully displays the way that Christ died for the sins of humanity. Anyone looking at this painting could understand what was happening. Using this visual illustration, a priest could then explain the Gospel message and help lead someone to a saving knowledge in Jesus Christ. It was works of art such as this that helped the Church to educate the common people about the stories of the Bible.

Biblical stories are not the only stories that have been communicated with artwork. The Ancient Egyptians used their art to tell stories about their gods and to record their history. The paintings and sculpture of the Egyptians usually showed the strength of their gods and pharaohs or told stories about them. Surrounded by hieroglyphics, these pieces of art provided a visual history of the Egyptian way of life. The Metropolitan Museum of Art has in its collection a sphinx with the head of the pharaoh Senwosret III. At just over a foot high, the lion’s body is in a crouching position showing it as a protector of a sacred place. The linen headdress covering the pharaoh’s head symbolizes his position as king. On top of the headdress sits the likeness of a cobra, representing Udjo, the goddess who provided protection for the kings.(9) This sphinx records for all of history the strength and the reign of the pharaoh whose head it bears. It was through sculptures like this and other artistic marvels, such as the intricate reliefs in their temples, that the Egyptians recorded their glorious history for all to see.

I believe that Allison captured an essential aspect of art when she explained its probing nature. If fact, much of modern art is concerned with asking questions of society.(10) David Goldbatt asks many penetrating questions about South Africa though his photography. Additionally, Van Gogh and Boccioni depict the difficulties of human life and ask questions about our emotions and the effect of situations on our lives. However, the art that serves to answer questions obviously cannot be excluded from the realm of visual art. The frescos of the Roman Catholic Church and the sculpture of Ancient Egypt are only a few examples of the many types of art that was created to answer questions and to teach. Since both types of art are seen as fine art, then both purposes of art are equally valid. The most important aspect to be aware of when evaluating a piece of art, is to know the artist’s reason for creating it before we can determine it’s purpose. With that in mind, we can truly appreciate the art as the artist intended us to.

Endnotes

(1) Atwan, Robert and Donald McQuade. The Writer’s Presence: A Pool of Readings, Fourth Edition. New York: Bedford/ St. Martin’s, 2003. pg. 594

(2) Atwan, Robert and Donald McQuade. pg. 594

(3) Anthony, Linda. 40 minute telephone interview with Master Art teacher. 16 December 2006.\

(4) Art lecture at Art Museum in Los Angeles. 1994.

(5) Museum of Modern Art. “States of Mind Gallery Text,” Museum of Modern Art, http://www.moma.org/collection/browse_results.php?riteria=O%3ADE%3AI%A5&page_number=61&template_id=1&sort_order=1 (accessed Dec. 13, 2006).

(6) Kismarc, Susan. “Introduction to David Goldblatt: Photographs from South Africa” Museum of Modern Art, Moma.org/exhibitions/1998/goldblatt/index.html (accessed Dec. 13, 2006).

(7) Anthony, Linda.

(8) Fine Arts in Hungary. “Crucifix,” Fine Arts in Hungary, http://www.hung-art.hu/index- en.html (accessed Dec. 16, 2006).

(9) Metropolitan Museum of Art. “Description of Sphinx of Senwosret III,” Metropolitan Museum of Art, http://www.metmuseum.org/Works_of_art/viewOne.asp?dep= 10&viewmode=0&item=17.9.2 (accessed Dec. 16, 2006).

(10)Anthony, Linda.

Bibliography

Atwan, Robert and Donald McQuade. The Writer’s
Presence: A Pool of Readings, Fourth Edition. New
York: Bedford/ St. Martin’s, 2003.

Fine Arts in Hungary. “Crucifix,” Fine Arts in
Hungary, http://www.hung-art.hu/index-en.html
(accessed Dec. 16, 2006).

Kismarc, Susan. “Introduction to David Goldblatt:
Photographs from South Africa” Museum of Modern
Art,
Moma.org/exhibitions/1998/goldblatt/index.html
(accessed Dec. 13, 2006).

Metropolitan Museum of Art. “Description of Sphinx of
Senwosret III,” Metropolitan Museum of Art,
http://www.metmuseum.org/Works_of_art/viewOne.asp?
dep=10&viewmode=0&item=17.9.2 (accessed Dec. 16,
2006).

Museum of Modern Art. “States of Mind Gallery Text,”
Museum of Modern Art,
http://www.moma.org/collection/browse_results.php?
criteria=O%3ADE%3AI%
3A5&page_number=61&template_id=1&sort_order=1
(accessed Dec. 13, 2006).

Interviews and Lectures

Anthony, Linda. 40 minute telephone interview with
Master Art teacher. 16 December 2006.
Art lecture at Art Museum in Los Angeles. 1994.

Apologies

2007-08-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'm really sorry for all the tech glitches on the movie, it should be working now. Please let me know if it is not. Usually, it wouldn't take me so long to get it fixed, but I had to have The Odyssey read and finished by this morning, so I didn't have any time to mess around on my blog these last few days. But thanks to all of you who tried to watch it :D

I'm posting it down here again, just to make sure it wasn't a problem with the old link. So hopefully it will work...

Finally....

2007-08-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

...I'm posting my first video blog. Being my first attempt please be aware that this blog is really pretty horrible. So do not expect anything amazing, because it isn't. Excuse my um-ing if you can. :)

But at least it's up here. :) Also, if you want to see more actual people check out my facebook because i uploaded some pictures and if you click on the album that I got tagged in by Evangeline you can see even more. :D

Can You Smell Me Now?

2007-08-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

Without any further ado....the long awaited blog debut of "Can You Smell Me Now?" (in other words, what happens when david is the only guy at mel's party)

enjoy!!

First Post From Biola

2007-08-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!!!!! So I've gotten all moved into my dorm room (pics are coming). Right now i'm sitting in another dorm hall getting instruction on how to set up this random internet server called BUBBS that is supposed to organize all the stuff you need to know for school so that nice, but things are taking forever to download so i'm posting. yay.

I moved in yesterday and then had a lecture with Dr. Reynolds, the guy who is the director of Torrey. The lecture was actually really awesome and inspiring. so that was really nice for me. :) but after that we had a "mingling" event. special. we all stood around feeling awkward and eating watermelon (wally!!). but i did meet two great girl who live in my dorm. I haven't asked them if i can put their names online yet, but one of them is a girl Sam knows and we ended up meeting and after talking for like 10 minutes i burst out with "Hey, you know Sam!". and we ended up living next to each other. she's so nice. totally God. and the other girl i met is also cool with purple streaks in her hair and she lives across the hall. so it's been good.

Well, i need to go eat dinner. miss you all terribly!!!!!!!

~me

Quick Update

2007-08-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for college this Monday!! So blogging will be even more sporadic than usual (yes zach it's shocking that i could possibly post less, i know). But after orientation week and the first few weeks of class I think that things will probably settle down into more of a routine. So yep, I'll try to keep this blog updated. Upcoming posts will include "can you smell me now" (i'm sorry it's taking so long guys...almost done!) and hopefully a video blog of my dorm and the campus.

Also a few quick prayer requests, please be praying that I'll get everything together before i leave, that i won't break down too much when i say goodbye to everyone for the last time on sunday (ie tomorrow), and that i'll finish all my homework before classes start (odds are not in my favor on that one). and of course that the trip down and moving in will go well. Thanks so much for your prayers!!!

~karyn

Questions

2007-07-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

Jesus said that the greatest love is when someone is willing to die for a friend. Sacrificial love. It's so hard. Really. What can you do when you wake up in the night crying because you want to help the person you love but don't know what to do? How can you give more when you've already given all you have? How can you give the situation to God, when you care so much you're afraid to let go?

I don't know. And i've been pleading with God to help me, but sometimes i just don't know what to do.

If you guys could be praying, I'd really appreciate it.

The Heart of Worship

2007-07-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised! - Psalm 48:1

To live a life that is a constant praise to God - that's my goal in life. I want my every action to worship Him and bring Him glory. It's a lofty goal and one I'll never be able to accomplish fully on this earth, but i sure want to give it a good shot.

But how exactly does it work? I mean, how can we worship God in everything we do? Some things just don't lend themselves to feelings of worship: chores, cleaning up after the dog, dealing with difficult people. We all have our lists of things we don't like doing. So how can we worship God while doing these things?

I think it has a lot to do with the attitude with which we approach the situation. When I'm dealing with a difficult person (personally one of the hardest times for me to worship God) my initial reaction is to just tell them off. I can't tell you how fast cutting remarks jump into my head and try to get out of my mouth. Obviously, this is not a godly response, so over the years I've been learning to bite my tongue (a few times quite literally).

Well, that keeps me from sinning, but I felt God challenging me to go even further- not to just keep from sinning, but to worship Him in that situation. I wasn't really sure how to do that so I asked him to help me and (as always) He did.

He started by explaining that I needed to see the situation the way He did. Dealing with these people was not a hassle to get away from as quickly as possible but an opportunity to show God's love to someone. I asked God to show me His heart for these people and help me love them. Slowly, ways to encourage them began to come to my mind instead of cutting sarcasm. In fact, I started to get excited when a disagreeable person came my way because I knew it was a chance for me to try to encourage them. I even found myself thanking God for the conversation...and then I realized it - I was worshiping God! Not with a song singing "Hallelujah, praise Jesus!" but in my actions and attitudes that were honoring God and the thankfulness that had found it's way into my heart.

Now do I treat every person God brings my way as He wants me to? Unfortunately, no. But with God's help my heart towards them is changing and becoming a heart of worship.

The great thing is, this attitude of worship is not confined to showing God's love to annoying people. It can apply to any aspect of life! As I mentioned before, we've all got our lists of things we hate. I would encourage you to pick something off that list (be it washing the dishes to respecting your parents even when their decisions don't make sense) and ask God to show you His heart for the situation. As you seek His heart He will change yours and before you know it, you'll be worshiping Him through your actions. It's not an easy journey, seriously it's one of the most trying things God's asked me to do, but the reward is well worth it.

Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised!

New Website

2007-07-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, just writing to let you know I started up a new website. I'm gonna use it to practice some basic programming (very basic let me tell you since i've never really done this before). But if you ever care to stop by and take a look the URL is karyn.cubedwater.com Criticism is welcome and if you have any coding suggestions do tell!!

Also, I'm working on a post about myspace and should have that up in a few days.

The Journey

2007-07-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

This is the second part to my previous post "Salvation"

“Beloved,” he whispered. “There are still those lost in the forest. Now that you know the way, I want you to seek them out and lead them to me at the river. Don’t be afraid. I’ll be there with you, always ready to help you. You’ll be dirty when you return, but you can always wash in the river. Will you go?”

“Yes, I will go.” She rose to her feet, took a breath, and excitedly ran into the dark forest to find those who had been wandering, lost as she had been. She delved deep into what she had remembered as the darkest parts of the woods, but even among the thickest trees she could see clearly what was there…and more importantly there were no shadows to trick into seeing something that was not there.

It was not long before she saw someone stumbling through the trees. It was clear this person couldn’t see well for they tripped and fell over obstacles she saw clearly.

“Hey you there!” she called out. “I can show you the way out. Follow me.”

The other person looked around, but couldn’t seem to see her. So she stepped closer and took the person’s hand just as he had done for her. They traveled hand-in-hand until they reached the fringe of the forest where he stood waiting. She passed the person’s hand to him and then rushed back into the forest to find someone else. When the brought the next person to him he stopped her and said, “Wait, come and get clean.”

“There’s no time,” she answered as she ran back to the forest. It seemed a bit darker than before, but she didn’t give that any attention. She spotted the next person, but as she stepped out to help them she tripped on a branch she hadn’t seen. The person disappeared into the darkness and she was left alone. She stumbled about trying to find her way out, but she was utterly lost.

“Help me,” she tried to say, but she was so afraid that it barely came out as a whisper. Within moments, he was by her side.

“Why didn’t you listen to me?” he asked while he helped her up.

“I’m so sorry, I thought I could bring more to you by staying here.”

“If you are not washed by me, how can you be any help to them? The darkness will surround you, too.”

She followed him back to the river and he washed her again and then sent her back into the forest. She never again forgot to return to the river after being in the forest and she brought many to him until the day he called her to follow him past the river.

Greek Mythology

2007-07-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

I have now been reading the Iliad for four hours straight. It is very confusing because I know next to nothing about Greek Mythology (it was just something that my parents didn't see as very important so it got glanced over in homeschooling and since I never did like that TV show Hercules...i really have no background in it). If it was a book about Egyptian mythology however I'd be fine. Not that homeschooling covered that any more than the Greek stuff, but i watch a lot of a TV show called Stargate and it relies heavily on Egyptian mythology and me being the skeptical person that i am decided to research it myself to see if it was actually accurate (which to my delight it was!). But anyways...this book is not about Ra and Hathor but it in fact about Zeus and Achillies and other annoying Greek people. *sigh* I'm learning a lot though. And it is actually quite interesting...i mean all the gods basically do is sit up on Mt. Olympus and squabble over their family dinner while the mortals are killing each other down below. It would make a great sitcom. okay...so i must now return to the wrath of Achilles and the cunning of Odysseus so my professors don't yell at me when i get down to school without having read this book.

Packing

2007-07-13T11:03:00.001-07:00

Hey guys,

I'm starting to pack up for college and have been having such a hard time. I'm back and forth between tears and could really use some prayer. Specifically that I could do the stuff i need to get done and that God would just give me the strength i need to do this (not just the packing but also the whole dealing with reality thing...) Thank you so much. You are all so amazing and it means the world to know you're there.

~me

The Alpha-Beta Girls

2007-07-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

All I can say is just watch the movie. It's better if you just see this...

Salvation

2007-07-06T16:33:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a post about Turkey, but in the meantime, i'm posting the first half of a story that I wrote on the airplane.

"Salvation"

The night was dark around her. The wind whipped at her face, it’s icy fingers gripping and tearing at her skin. Desperately she pushed forward, following the voice in front of her. She took another step forward but caught her foot on an unseen tree root. She fell and began to slide down the mountain. Her hands grasped for a handhold among the roots and moss but every time she caught hold of something it pulled out of the ground and fell with her. Her right hand grasped a vine protruding from the mountain, it stopped her fall for a moment but it too eventually failed her and broke under the weight. Then in her final attempt to stop her fall she reached out blindly and grabbed onto a rope with her left hand. She tightened her grip and held the rope close as she was pulled up the mountain.

“Stay close to me,” the voice said as she reached the top. He took her hand in his and led her through the night.

As they reached the river, the sun began to rise. Looking down at herself, she saw her scrapes and bruises. Her clothes were dirty and torn from the fall. She looked tattered compared to him. She hung her head in shame, embarrassed to even look at him. Gently, he lifted her head and led her to the water. The gentle rays of the new sun reflected off the surface of the flowing river. He sat her down on a moss-covered stone and took her foot in his hands. With the running water, he began to wash away the filth, even using his shirt to wipe off the blood crusted between her toes. She watched him in gratitude and wonder as he cleaned all her wounds. His strong yet gentle touch not only cleaned her cuts but also quieted the voice inside her telling her she wasn’t worthy, that she should return to the dark forest and hide away from him. The next time he looked at her she smiled and gazed straight into his eyes instead of evading his look. His hands kept working but his eyes never left hers. Though he said nothing, she felt a love deeper than she had ever before.

In the dark lands, love had touched her heart, but always it was lacking something. No matter how self-less the person had been, there was some condition. If she didn’t perform right or love back enough the love could disappear. But this was not the way it felt with him. This love not only touched her heart, but her whole being. Though she hadn’t known him long, she felt safe and completely at rest. There was nothing she could ever do to make him lover her any less…or any more.

He lifted her up to her feet. She looked down at herself and saw in the place of her ripped clothes a white dress. Her skin was clean, the blood gone, and with it her shame. Emotions overwhelmed her: the warmth of thankfulness, the swirling of excitement, the peace of love. She looked up at him and saw him laughing. Joy filled her and she began to giggle, then laugh. He came near her, gathered her in his arms, then tossed her into the water. She came up feeling clean and refreshed. He dove in after her and they splashed and played before finally crawling out and collapsing on the grass growing near the river.

He turned to her and said, “Welcome to my family, my beloved.”

A Parting Gift

2007-06-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

So...after a haggard three days of having to get ready to leave on Wednesday...I find out that our plane doesn't actually leave until 7pm. So what do I do with myself for the hours of time spent not packing since I spent the last three days working so hard on it?? Why, meaningless posting of course!!! I found this video on my friends MySpace and if you like classical music or any music really, it's hilarious. Just a quick disclaimer, the guy swears once in the middle and then a few times at the end, so if that bothers you at all, just watch the first half. So while I'm off flying for hours on end...enjoy this movie!

Turkey

2007-06-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, so just a heads-up I'm gonna be in Turkey for the next two weeks so I won't be posting much (or nothing at all really!). I'll put up a long post about the trip when I get back--with pics, and lots of cool buildings for TJ ;)

So until then -- gilay gilay (which is goodbye in Turkish, but i'm sure i butchered the spelling there).

Hitch

2007-06-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

I watched the movie "Hitch" last night (with some fastforwarding), but I found it interesting how the movie talks about relationships between men and women. Obviously the film is not based on a Christian view point, yet it brings up some very interesting ideas.

1. "No woman wakes up and thinks 'I would really like not to be swept off my feet today'." -- So true. That's all there is to say there.

2. "Women beleive that they can figure out anything about a relationship from the first kiss." I don't know about other women, but since I don't plan and really kissing anyone until I get engaged I would hope there are other ways to figure out a relatioship. Like having a conversation--i find conversations communicate much better than kisses. A kiss can say 'i love you' but a conversation can say why. Also, there is the effort each person puts into the relationship. If someone is going out of their way to spend time with someone else...that communicates something. And, from a Christian perspective, is God coming first? The amount of commitment that a person gives to God is a good indicator of how commited they will be to you. If God comes first, everything else falls in line (not always easliy mind you...but it will).

3. "Women respond to you when you respond to them". Again, true. We do really like people to listen to us and then be able to repond inteligently. It shows respect. And I'm pretty sure the same goes for guys, too. Everyone wants to be heard and respected.

4. Okay, so I must take issue with the fact that marriage was never mentioned in the film (i didn't actually get to finish it, but unless someone got married in the last 10 minutes--and it didn't look like anyone would--no marriage mentioned). Any Godly relationship should be focused on finding someone to share your life with. Not right away of course, but the end goal shouldn't be having someone to live with until you get fed up with them and then ditch. I did like, however, the strong stance they took against one-nighting. This is a much needed lesson in our world of instant gratification. Will Smith really does take a stand against problems in our culture and I respect him for that. I don't agree with everything he does or stands for, but its certainly a step in the right direction.

{June 18th edit} okay so that'll show me to write a review of a movie i didn't finish. They do get married in the end. go figure.

Changes

2007-06-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

Some of you will notice that my blog layout will start changing very frequently. I'm spending the summer trying to learn some HTML coding so I'm using my blog as a place to practice. So if it looks horrible at some points--forgive me. I'm just learning :)

Mow

2007-06-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

The Game of Mow has now begun...

There is to be no talking...

Questions may be asked only by following the proper order...

The Two of spades has been played...

Five of spades....

Five of hearts....

Penalty--talking

Penalty--failure to say I love you

I love you

knock

knock

knock

NUDITY!!!

knock-knock--I hate you all

seven of spades...

Have a nice day

nine of spades...

penatly--failure to say having a nice day

pivo

what the heck is happening here???

pivo has ended.

Ps.

2007-06-07T09:39:00.001-07:00

That's weird, I have to write the PS, before the actual post so it will be below it. anyhoo...sorry for the wacky post, if you have never played Mow before it won't make any sense. It's a hilarious, awesome, incredible card game that everyone needs to play at least once in their life :) I just thought some explaination was necessary.

~me

Pre-destination

2007-06-04T23:41:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I had a conversation with a few others about pre-desnination on "Hold Fast". I thought it was interesting, but becasue of school we never had a chance to finish up. But school is over (yay) so I want to see if I can start it up again.

It seemed that from the conversation two main points were brought up.

In favor of pre-destination: how can God not predestine all things if He is all powerful??

Against pre-destination: How can God cause evil to happen if He is good??

I understand the point of those who beleive in pre-destination, but I fall in the camp of those who don't agree with this belief. I beleive that when the Bible says that God gave reign of the Earth to men, He allowed us free will to govern it as we chose. We decided to give the world over to Satan and therefore sin rules in this present world right now. Now God still has control, but there is a difference between having control and making every decision. I think that God has so much respect for our free will becasue He is a God who desires covenant relationship with His people. This cannot take place, however, unless the other party has total control to decide if they will enter into the relationship or not. God doesn't want an army of worshiping robots, He desires the love of His children as He said to the city of Jerusalm "how many times I have desired to gather you beneath my wings as a mother hen gathers her chicks". But the nation of Israel refused to follow God. This verse shows that though God desires all to come to Him, He will force nobody. The chicks chose not to come and it greived God's heart. How then can God desire for all to be saved and then send some to Hell? It is not consistant with His nature. God desires that all would come to salvation, Jesus died for all men. That is clear in the Bible. If God chose ahead of time who would be saved and who would not be, then why would He not save all men? That would be consistant with His nature, but pre-destination says that God sends some men to heaven and some men to hell. It is Satan that sends people to hell, not God. God's desire is to save, Satan's desire is to destroy. I beleive that God knows what will happen, but He does not cause the evil in the world to take place. He is allowing it for a time, because we chose to let the world fall into darkness. He is fixing our mistake and allowing us to help Him bring it back into light. And as for salvation, the Holy Spirit speaks to us all, but only we can decide if we will listen. If God made us go to heaven, no matter what we did, then we would be worshipping robots and not his close friends.

However, the fact that the Bible aslo says God controls all things is important and a valid argument. I believe that God's control, however, is not dependant on pre-destination. First, it is not necessary to make every decision to control something.

So I'd love to hear what you all think (and even if you were not a part of the previous conversation, please feel free to add your opinion. The more the merrier!!).

I Graduated!!!!

2007-06-02T23:54:00.001-07:00

Yipee!! Graduation is over and I'm done with high school!!!!!!!! The ceremony was so great. My parents got to give me my diploma and they spent about four minutes just talking about how proud they were of me and how they really beleived that I would do well in college. It was so sweet, I almost cried. All the parents of the seniors got to do that, it was almost as sweet watching my friends and their parents as it was being on stage with mine.

I also got to give a valedictorian speech about posst-it notes!! I'm copying the speech below (unlike Sam, nothing exciting happened to me while i was giving it, but I think it went well anyways).

So now it's on to college!

My Speech: God's Will in a Post-It Note

Good afternoon everyone, I hope that you all are having a wonderful time at graduation. First I want to thank all of you for being here to support us as we graduate and many of you, parents, grandparents, teachers and others for helping us as we worked our way through school.

I want to start today by telling you all a story. Many years ago there was a man who was working in a laboratory to create a “super-adhesive”. He developed many chemical formulas for what he knew was going to be the strongest glue ever made. But each time he made his glue, it was annoyingly weak. The adhesive would release its hold on two pieces of paper at even the slightest pull. He tried again and again to make his glue stronger, but he failed every time. Then, he realized that his invention, though not a “super-adhesive” as he intended it, was actually a very useful product and to this day we all use post-it notes.

I love this story because it is such a good example of how God’s Will can sometimes work in our lives. When we start out (like graduating from high school) we can sometimes think that we have God’s plan all figured out. But along the way, things don’t work out. Our glue just won’t stick. It is in these situations that we can have one of two responses: we can get frustrated that the glue won’t work, or we can make a post-it note!

The prophet Daniel and his friends Hannaiah, Mishael, and Azariah (better known as Shardrack, Meshack and Abed-nego), had to deal with this very situation in their lives. These four young Hebrew men remained faithful to their God even in the idolatrous land of Babylon. For their dedication to Him, God gave them favor with the Bablyonian king and gave them positions of great influence in that nation. At that point they were probably thinking, “this is great, God is giving us these positions of influence so we can live here and bring God glory in this nation.” Though this was a major part of God’s plan for them, it was not all He had in store. After a few years, King Nebecadnezzer built a giant golden idol and commanded all the people to worship it. Of course, they would not do that, so they refused to bow down to it. This action got them a quick trip to a blazing furnace. Now though the Bible doesn’t say exactly what Shadrack, Meshack, and Abed-nego were thinking as they were being led to the furnace, I can imagine them wondering why God had given them all this authority in Bablyon only to let them die. God’s plan probably wasn’t working out very well in their heads. But they had the right response, they decided to trust in God and hold fast to His commandments. God did not let them die that day, but instead kept them safe in the middle of a fire so hot that it killed two men standing near it. This miracle showed the entire nation of Bablyon the power of God in a way that was unequalled by any other recorded act that these young ever men did.

Now I truly hope that none of you will be threatened to be thrown into a fiery furnace, but we are frequently thrust into situations where God’s plan is not clear to us. However, if we trust in him and remain open to the idea that God knows His plan better than we do, He will bring us through it and looking back we’ll be able to see how God’s actual plan brought Him much more glory than the plan we thought He had.

It is so important that we seek God’s will for our lives. But equally important is listening to what God is saying when situations don’t work out. Sometimes He wants us to push though and stick to the original idea, but other times He wants to us to realize that His Will was something totally different than what we originally thought it was. So don’t be afraid to make a change and invent a post-it note!

Thank you.

Today

2007-05-31T23:39:00.000-07:00

I only have time for a very quick post. But today I was realizing how people who work at grocery stores always seem to tag "today" to the end of all their senteces.

-How are you today?

-Did you find everything you were looking for today?

-Paper or plastic for you today?

-Would you like help out today?

-How can I help you today?

Really, all of these sentences would work just fine without the today on the end. And do we really need to clarify? I'm sure that customers are not assuming that we're asking if they want paper bags for yesterday.

Sadness and Sorrow

2007-05-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

*sigh* why does life have to have sorrow. I hate sin, really I do. It makes things so dang complicated, otherwise I would not be sad right now. But I am. Not becasue of sin (though the amount of that in the world is depressing), but becasue life is sometimes so unchangable and the fact that you can't always do what you want to do and what you need to do and what you know you should do. I've struggled so much these last few weeks with leaving for school in the Fall. I know it's what I need to do, I know it's what I should do, but there in nothing in me right now that makes me want to. I really just want to stay here. With my family, with Sarah (yay for best friends), and with this wonderful, amazing new group of friends that I have really just recently gotten to know (thanks to Sarah, again yay for best friends). I've never really had a group of friends before, friends I can feel safe with and just relax with, not having to worry about what bad influences you'll be picking up next. It seems like things are finally coming together, and now I'm leaving, ripping away. I'll be back, but it doesn't seem like it will be the same. Sometimes I wish I could stay home, but then what a waste of all the effort that I have put into going to college. The programs I got into are not open after the freshman year, I will literally never have a chance to do this again. And yet, I still don't want to go. I know this is God's Will for my life, and if I follow Him, He will take care of me and use my life in ways I could never imagine. But sometimes...it's hard to do what He says...especially when it means leaving everything. This makes it all the more real to me the struggle it must have been for the disciples to leave everything behind and follow Jesus.

I can't do everything. I can't stay and go. And right now, I'd much rather stay. If you think of it, please pray for me. That God would give me the courage to follow His Will, when I really don't want to. Thanks.

and sorry for the sad post...

Books I'm Reading

2007-05-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

Michelle tagged me for "what I'm reading." So here goes...

Just finished: The Hidden Power of a Woman - by Bonnie and Mahesh Chavda (it's a book about how the church will become so much more effective when women take their place as equal to men in ministry and men and women can strenghten each other in the Lord...men and women were created different but equal)

Just began: Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen (not as interesting as Emma or P&P may I say)

In the middle of: The Bible - multiple authors inspired by the Holy Spirit (I never stop reading this actually)

A Glimpse of Grace - Mary Forsythe (a story about how a successful businesswoman was incarcerated and then was saved while in prison and how her life was completly turned around. the story is even better since i know her really well and it's fun to hear about who she was before i met her)

Introduction to Digital Filmmaking - (does school reading count?? such a great book with writing exercises to boot!)

So that's it really. I tag Sam and anybody else who reads this and has a blog and wants to be tagged. if myspaces count I'll tag Sarah and TJ too :)

The Incredible Journey

2007-05-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

This is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

It had taken weeks of careful planning. Though the destination had always been known, the route had to be carefully chosen, every turn plotted, every strech understood. One misjudgement, any misdirection and all would be lost.

They spent weeks building their endurance. Their tireless efforts went largly unnoticed. Nobody saw, nobody knew but them. The clicking of gear chains and the whirring of the wheels beneath them as they pedaled urged them to greater and greater lengths. Eventually they would be ready.

When the day finally came, the feeling was as if one was living between a sunset and a sunrise. Never quite light, never quite dark. The journey before them was great, and yet the destination...

Sinching their helmet straps, they climbed onto their bikes and rode off on the first half of their journey. The long uphill ride was grueling and pushed them to the limit of their strength, but the allure of their destination kept them going. Mile after mile they pedaled, each foot taking it's turn to push them still onward another few feet.

Finally the goal was in sight! The crossed palm trees gently swayed in the distance. They had made it.

Their bikes fell to the ground as they stumbled inside. And then...oh wonderful aroma...smells of meat and bread mixing in the air...patties cooking on the grill...one small bite...glorious bliss.

Editor's note: After this fateful journey to In-N-Out these brave souls safely made it home with the strength they gained from the hambugers they worked so hard to secure.

How To Try Something New With Like No Forethought...

2007-05-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

So I decided to take karate lessons. yeah, I've never done anything like this before, but my sister is going to do it for PE next year (she's going back to homeschooling) and so we decided to get her started now and so I decided to do it for the summer until I leave for college. So I signed up with Hannah today and we got uniforms! I'll let you all know how it goes, I'll probably just end up with a good knowledge of self-defence when I'm done, but that's cool. haha don't mess!

Saying Goodbye to Lindsay

2007-05-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks now since I left the Lindsay Museum, close to tears as I drove away from the museum where I have spent four years of my life. I started volunteering at the museum when I was 14 as an Interpretive Guide. Lucas Abbott and Patti Blasquez were my bosses (both of them have now moved on, Luc works with teens through UC Berkely and Patti retired) and they were awesome. I learned so much about animals and people while I was there. Since I did a lot of presentations for the public as an IG, I learned about public speaking while also learning how to work with a wild animal and making sure it stays comfortable and feels safe. For instance, the first presentation I did was a snake presentation with another IG and a gopher snake. The snake kinda wigged out on us and started secreting this icky musky smelling stuff. So we called over an animal keeper and the other IG got to go in the back to get another snake while I was left with the 20+ people (most of them little kids) for the next 15 minutes with no snake and the job of keeping them interested until we got the kingsnake out. It was...interseting, but I did it somehow. As the years went by I got a lot better at snake handling, to the point where I was one of the few who was comfortable handling the xanthic albino kingsnake (he was so cool, but had a tendancy to bite his handlers). I got to handle and be close to so many cool animals: tarantulas, bald eagles, bobcats, cougars... All of the animals are non-releaseable, so we provide a home for them in the museum. Lots of the raptors (birds-of-prey) are missing wings, mammals with neurological problems, an imprinted (too used to humans) squirrel who liked to eat potato chips [we didn't let him eat them, but the people who kept him as a pet before did], and a talking raven who says "hello", clucks like a chicken, and tries to sound like an eagle whenever the eagles are showing off.

During the summer when I was 16, I also volunteered in the rehab hospital where I fed baby birds, squirrels, and raccoons who had been orphaned. I also did a lot of laundry (having the largest rehab hospital in the nation requires having a lot of animals, thus lots of..well...dirty laundry, let's just say that).

<--- one the lead keepers, Jarrod, with our golden eagle

After I turned 17, a program opened up for some of the IG's to become assistant animal keepers. I applied and was accepted so last june I started working in the back of the museum with all the non-releasable wildlife (up to this point the only animals i cared for directly were the pet education animals like rats, rabbits, guniea pigs, etc. I was only allowed to use a few of the other animals for presentations). It was in this position that I discovered that I have a hidden talent for...gutting rats. yeah...not the most remarkable talent, not something to put on your resume, but still, it has it's merits. (that's Jason up above being cool with dead and defrosted mice to feed to the birds) I started out preparing food for the animals, and slowly progressed up the ranks to amphibian care (getting our lethargic newt to eat is a task in itself), to songbird cage cleaning, to the point where I could actually kennel and care for squirrels and ravens on my own. Through this process Jarrod, Jean (in the picture with a bat), Jason, Mike, Sarah, Michelle, and Dawn have been so awesome in teaching me everything.

So I volunteered every week, and then...I got a job. Argh, so much of growing up is giving up what you want to do in order to do what you have to do. I didn't have enough time to work, do well in school, and volunteer, so after three months of putting it off, I finally quit. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time. But my last day was awesome. All the keepers (people named above) worked really hard to make my last day really fun. (Mike and Sarah even tried to kill each other with Simple Green...i got a picture!) I will certaily miss it, but I know that working there has really changed me and helped me to become a more confident person. So, goodbye Lindsay, I'll miss you.

(and this is just one example of the craziness at the Lindsay...i love it)

Singing in the Rain

2007-04-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

At church yesterday, a guy in our church had this picture from God about a giant shower head that was gushing water (representing God's joy) over us. Then he saw us all dancing like Gene Kelly did in "Singing in the Rain" in the rain of God's joy. Afterwards, God reminded a lady of how Gene Kelley at one point turned his umbrella upside down to catch the rain. In the same way, we should catch God's joy and pour it out over ourselves and those people around us.

So get your umbrellas and start "singin' and dancin' in the rain!"

Random Short Story

2007-04-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

This story was written as an assignment for a film class I am taking. I thought I would post it here in case anyone was interested in reading it. I tried to create some undertones of salvation in the last part of the story, please let me know if you can pick it up or if i'm being too subtle. Thanks!

Before I begin this story I want to make it perfectly clear that this was no fault of mine. I’m just writing the story as they told it to me. It’s quite possible that this is not really what happened and if they told you something entirely different I would not be surprised at all. These two are the most mischievous children I have ever met and if they had just sat still and listened to their lesson none of this would ever have happened. You see the three of us were sitting down by the pond and I was teaching them about frogs and other amphibians. However, neither John nor Jenna would sit still and listen. They kept getting up and running around and splashing in the water. So I finally decided to let them explore a bit and have their little adventure in hopes of them coming back tired and listening to their lesson. Now just to make myself perfectly clear, when I said adventure I am in no way implying that I knew what was going to happen next, for nobody could have imagined that. So they took off running and eventually came to a pool with very shiny rocks at the bottom of it. John, being much more adventurous that his sister, rushed over to pick one up. He had only put one foot in the water, however, when he stopped suddenly.
“What’s the matter,” asked Jenna.
“My foot’s caught!” John yelled back to her.
“In the mud?” she asked.
“No, in the water,” he answered perplexed.
Jenna looked at him thoroughly confused and watched as John tried to yank his foot from the water’s grasp. Unable to do so, he pulled his foot out of his boot but when he reached down to pull his boot out of the water it had completely disappeared.
“John, your boot!” Jenna cried.
“It must be in the mud. I’m going to try to find it,” John replied with his usual confidence.
(May I just add here that if I had been there, this all would have stopped right here. A lost boot is unfortunate, but pulling water that makes things disappear is not to be played with.)
So, John reached his hand down towards the surface of the pool, but before he had even touched it the water splashed up and grabbed him. It pulled much harder this time and John could not get away.
Almost immediately, Jenna grabbed her brother’s foot and pulled with all her might. It was not much help since she was a very small girl, but she was loyal and would not just sit by while her brother drowned.
“Help me!” John gurgled as he struggled to keep his head out of the water.
Jenna could not answer, all her thought and strength was focused on pulling her brother out of the water. She was losing ground. John was being pulled farther and farther into the water. Suddenly, the pool gave a final yank and pulled them both deep into the water where they disappeared from sight. The surface of the pool quickly returned to its former, serene appearance as if to hide into what horrible existence it had just thrown two small children.
The hands of the water pulled John and Jenna deeper and deeper into the water. Streams of bubbles surrounded them, confusing their already clouded vision. Lengths of pondweeds tangled themselves around the children’s arms, legs, and necks. Jenna clutched even harder at John’s leg so she would not be separated from him. After an entire minute of falling through the water, Jenna could not longer hold her breath. Her lungs burned for fresh air. Desperate to keep what little air she had left, Jenna put every effort into keeping her lips shut, but it was no use. Her mouth tore itself open and water rushed into her lungs. She squeezed her eyes shut and braced herself for the tight suffocation of drowning. Moments passed. Nothing happened. She opened her eyes and realized that though she was still underwater, she could breathe perfectly. Looking up at her brother, she saw him struggling just as she had been moments before. She saw on his face the look of terror as he realized he could hold his breath no longer, the confusion when death did not come, and finally the relief as he realized he could breathe in this water. Jenna pulled on his leg to get his attention. He looked back at her and smiled, then signaled for her not to let go of him as the water continued to drag them deeper and deeper underwater.
The current pulled them into an underwater cave. The entrance was small, and John only barely fit through. They traveled along the stream of bubbles through a myriad of tunnels and openings. Suddenly, just before the next opening, the current stopped. Jenna let go of her brother’s leg and swam near to him. He motioned for her to follow him, and they swam through the hole in front of them. As they passed through they found themselves in another pool in the woods, just like the one they had been playing near. The two children frantically clawed their way out of the water and collapsed on the grass. They violently coughed the water out of their lungs and gasped at the fresh air that surrounded them. (I asked them why they were so desperate for air if they could still breathe the water and Jenna explained that having water in your lungs is similar to having you hand forever stuck in peanut butter. It doesn’t hurt any, but it is certainly uncomfortable.)
“Where do you think we are?” John asked.
“Back home?” Jenna suggested hopefully.
“No, I don’t think so. It doesn’t feel like home. This place seems too…the same. Do you know what I mean?”
“No. I think we’re back home, let’s go back to where we were supposed to be learning our lesson. I’ll bet she’s still there waiting for us.”
“No, let’s explore some more, I’m certain we’re not home.”
“Fine, explore if you want, I’m going back.”
“Wait, Jenna. I’m certain we’re not home, now. Look at your clothes.”
“What about them?” she responded impatiently.
“You’re not wet. I’m not either.”
Jenna looked down perplexed. “How is that possible?”
“I don’t know, but I do know that at home water makes you wet. So we’re not at home.”
“Then what do we do?”
“Go explore! We can find out what else is different about this place.”
“Okay,” Jenna said quietly, giving into her brother.
John led the way and they walked deeper and deeper into the forest. Moss hung from the trees, and the branches were so dense that very little light could filter in. The forest reminded him of the sort of forest in which ancient knights would fight dragons. Big, mean dragons that would quietly stalk you through the woods, flying overhead and peering down at you through menacing dragon eyes. Then they would get too close, and you would feel the brush of the wind from their wings.
“Where did that come from?” Jenna said.
“What?” John replied.
“The wind. There it is again. Can you feel it?”
“Yeah, what’s the problem, it’s just wind.”
“It’s coming straight down, instead of across.”
John looked up, and saw a shadow fly above the trees.
“What was that?” Jenna whispered.
“I don’t know, why are you whispering?”
“I don’t know, I just thought I should. You’re whispering, too.”
“Because you are.”
Suddenly, Jenna froze, her eyes wide in fear. John felt a warm stream of air fly across the top of his head. He slowly turned around. Behind him was a dragon. For a moment he didn’t know what to do, he just stood there gazing into the dragon’s yellow eyes. The dragon took a step towards them, shattering the stillness. Jenna screamed.
“Run!” John yelled to her.
They both took off running through the forest. It turned out to be a very bad idea, since the dragon leapt into the air and landed down in front of them. John wished that he had some kind of a sword; if he did he would have fought the dragon with such courage. Swinging the sword to the left, then the right, then lunging forward—
“Careful with that!” Jenna yelled as she ducked out of the way.
John looked down at his hand to find he was clutching a sword.
“How did I…” John started.
“John, the dragon!” Jenna yelled.
John leapt towards the dragon with his sword extended. The dragon backed away.
“Ha, it’s scared of me,” John boasted, but his confidence soon turned to fear as the dragon pulled back his head and let out a strong blast of flames. John and Jenna only just jumped out of the way and hid beneath the roots of an old oak tree.
“John, where did you get the sword?” Jenna asked.
“I don’t know, I was just imagining I had one and then it was there. Kind of like…the dragon. Everything I imagine becomes real.”
“That’s impossible.”
“No, I really think that’s what’s happening. Here I’ll test it out, I’ll imagine I have a shield too.”
Jenna watched skeptically, while John closed his eyes. A few moments passed, then suddenly a shield appeared in his left hand.
“See it works!”
“So you imagined the dragon here!”
“I guess so.”
“Why? That was a stupid thing to imagine.”
“Well, I didn’t know.”
“Well, now you do. Imagine it away.”
“No. I’m going to fight it. It’ll be fun.”
“No, it won’t be. It’ll kill us.”
“Stay here then,” John said as he imagined a castle for Jenna to hide in. The castle rose up into the air while John ran after the dragon.
Imagining himself in full armor atop a black horse, John raced into battle against the dragon. Upon seeing John, the dragon let loose another stream of flames. John held his shield up to protect against the fire, and rode forward. The dragon fought back, swinging his muscular, spiked tail at John’s head in between breaths of fire. John deftly dodged the dragon’s attacks and slowly made his way closer to the dragon. Finally he managed to get close enough to attack. John swung his sword down hard across the dragons face as it came close to bite him. The dragon recoiled in pain. As the dragon’s head was pulled back, John moved in and thrust his sword into the dragon’s throat. The dragon stepped back, swaggered, and died.
John proudly returned to the castle to tell his sister of his victory. When he arrived he found his sister crying at the door.
“Jenna, what’s wrong?” he asked concerned.
“I-I was afraid. Afraid you were…you were going to die,” she gasped out through her sobbing.
“Well, I didn’t die, I’m here.”
“And I tried to make it go away. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t,” she continued.
“Make what go away?”
“Th-the dragon. I tried to imagine it away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t imagine anything.”
“Well, you were never very good at imagining before we got here, it’s not surprising that you still aren’t.”
Jenna glared at her brother. “I just want to go home, before something really bad happens. Please imagine a way home.”
“Why? This is fun. Look, I can imagine something that you want to do.”
“I want to go home.”
“Besides that.”
“Nothing. I just want to go home.”
“Will you stop whining about home.”
“I’m not whining!”
“Yes you are, and we’re not going home. Let’s do something fun.”
“Alright, imagine we can fly,” she conceded, as she always did to her brother’s demands.
John began to imagine that he and his sister had lifted off the floor and were slowly floating towards the ceiling. Soon their feet lifted off the ground. Jenna giggled as she darted left and right in the air.
“You’re doing it! You’re making us fly,” she laughed.
“See, I told you this place would be fun.”
“So where should we go?”
“Wherever you want to.”
Jenna glided out the door and flew up above the trees. She made her way through the clouds towards the roaring sound of the sea. As she flew through the clouds, drops of dew clung to her hair and clothes, the sun reflected off the beads of water and caused her to sparkle in the rays of sunlight above her.
It seemed like only moments before they reached the shore, though it may have taken hours to fly so far. However, time becomes less of a thing to be measured and more of a thing to be enjoyed when children play. As they reached the salty ocean, the children flew close to the waves, diving through them like seabirds. Jenna giggled and laughed for some time, until she began to remember. She remembered the last time their family had traveled to the sea. Her father had taught her to dive under the waves as they broke over the sand. The smell of salt water drew her mind back to hours spent on the beach as a family. Her mother had built a sand castle. It had been beautiful. The waves had destroyed it. She had cried. She was crying now. Even the joy of flying could not strip the longing for home from the girl’s heart. She longed more than ever to return home. She wanted nothing more than to go home. She longed for it with all her strength. Her mind could see only scenes from home. Nothing around her seemed real. If only she could find a way to go home, if only she could get back to that pool. Suddenly, the ocean began to shrink. The horizon began to seem less distant. The sand turned to mud. The mud swirled around her feet as if still under the influence of the mighty waves, but slowly it pulled away and collected into a small hole in front of her. The ocean in the distance flowed like a river into the hole and filled the pool. Jenna turned around and saw trees spring up from the ground. When she looked back at the pool it had completely transformed from an ocean into a small pool resembling the one that had brought them to this strange place.
She broke a twig from a nearby tree and slowly splashed the water with it. The twig stuck fast in the crystal clear water. She let go and the twig disappeared beneath the surface of the shallow water.
“John!” she cried to her brother who was still soaring in the air. “It’s the pool, it’s here! We can go home.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked as he dipped towards the grassy ground and gasped air to hold his breath.
“The pool, it’s right here!” she cried again, pointing to the pool of water in front of her.
“There’s no pool there, Jenna. You’re standing in the sand. Come back up here with me and lets dive through the waves.”
“There are no more waves, John. They’ve vanished.”
“Nonsense, here I’ll dive in one right now.”
Jenna watched as John dove down towards the ground, just missed hitting the earth, and soared back up.
“See, I’m all wet,” he yelled back to her. “The waves are still here.”
“I can’t see them, all I can see is the grove of trees and the pool. Maybe…I finally imagined something!”
“Then why can’t I see it? You saw everything I imagined.” John asked hovering upside-down in front of her.
“Because you don’t want to go home, so you can’t see it. All you want to do is stay here and have fun. I want to go home.”
“I’m not going home, and I’m not going to think about some stupid pool!” he screamed and disappeared into the horizon.
Jenna sat by the edge of the pond and cried. She wanted desperately to go home, but the thought of leaving her brother behind was unbearable. She sat by the edge for a long time and cried and thought about how to convince John to come home with her.
“How could he be so selfish?” she said to herself. “I can’t stay here, and they must be so worried about us at home. All he thinks about is himself. We played here for hours, now why won’t he go home.”
“Because I can’t be in charge of things there like I am here! Anything I want to happen, happens here!” John yelled from above her.
“John!” Jenna exclaimed. “Did you come back to come home with me?”
“No, I came back to tell you to stop crying. It makes me sad and I don’t want to be sad.”
Jenna sighed in frustration. “I’m going to go home now.”
“You can’t. Not without me, and I’m not ready to go home.”
“I’m going with or without you. I’ll step in the pool and go home.”
“I told you, there is no pool.”
“Yes there is and I’m going home in it,” Jenna said resolutely. “Are you coming?”
“Never.”
“Then goodbye.” Jenna stepped into the pool and the water swallowed her.
“No, Jenna come back!” he cried out as he saw his sister disappear underneath the sand. The shock of her departure shook something inside him that had not been paid attention to in many years. “I don’t want to be alone.”
He floated down to the earth and stared at the sand where Jenna had disappeared. His eyes felt hot with tears trying to invade his eyes. He blinked them away and they fell to the sand. Despite himself, he cried harder and harder.
“Jenna. Jenna. Jenna. I want to go with you. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen. I should have gone—I should have gone back. I don’t need, I don’t need to be in charge of everything. It’s nothing without you.”
His tears collected into a small pool by his feet. As he continued crying, the pool slowly got bigger and bigger. A large wind began to blow and the sand started to pull away from the puddle of tears. The puddle grew larger and began to tug at John’s feet. The last thing John saw before he was pulled beneath the water was a glimpse of the pool in the forest.

So that’s the story they told me. Like I said before, it may not be exactly the truth…in fact, it may not be anything near the truth. They didn’t tell me anything else. I guess they met on the other side of the pool, because after three days of endless searching on our part, we finally found them together in the woods. John was missing a boot.

Shy Men and Jane Austen

2007-04-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

So this is my first post that has to do with books and literature, anyone who wants to please chime in!!

So I've been reading a lot of Jane Austen recently, and in the first three books that I have read (Emma, Pride and Prejudice, and Mansfield Park) I have noticed that the men she portrays in a positive light have always been shy and reserved (Mr. Knightly, Mr. Darcy, Edmund Bertram) but they are portrayed as being full of character and morals. While the more outgoing men (Frank Churchill, Mr. Wickham, Tom Bertram, and Mr. Crawford) are seen as shallow and lacking in propriety. Why do you think she does this? Is this a true characterization (i don't think so)? But then why does she make it? I haven't read any of her other books yet, so if any of the men in those books display a different stereotype, I'd love to talk about that. I'm wondering if it has to do with the reserved nature of the British versus the outgoing nature of the Americans that makes this distinction so apparent. Anyways, I'd love to hear what you guys think!

The Mission

2007-04-10T18:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm still new with this whole blog thing, so I think this is the best way to link to the film. Just click here. Hopefully that should work.

So a quick intro... the film is called "The Mission" (taken from the Newsboys song) and is about all the different outreaches we've done as a church. So in there is a banquet that we gave for the day laborers in Concord (which has a huge Latino community), a spaghetti feed for the night crew at UPS (our worship leader works there), a home group that is an outreach to people in that neighborhood, homeless packets being given out, and one cool story about a guy getting healed from a leg injury! Hope you like it.

Also, if the picture is too blurry, try making the screen smaller, I couldn't load the bigger file it was too big and taking FOREVER.

My video

2007-04-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for praying! I got the film done in time and everyone liked it! I uploaded it to Google video, and am just waiting for some prelim screening to go through, then I can post it here. If it goes well, then I'll also hopefully post the film that I sent into Biola.