Hard Day

Hey everyone,

So I'm posting to ask for prayer. I've been having a really hard day today. Actually, it started last night, and now it's worse. I think that I've been riding a wave of emotion that has finally crashed. All the stress of school, and moving, and being away and alone has really hit me and it hit hard. On top of that I'm getting sick. I have a headcold that is making me miserable, so much so that all I want to do is climb into bed and read (even Thucydides is sounding good at this point, which is good because that's what I have to read).
Which leads me to also say that it has been so wonderful being in Torrey, I really feel blessed by God to be here, but some of the subject matter that we are covering in these books...I pray before I read it, while I read it, after I read and at times I still feel this deep heartbreak. I grieve for the people who lived under such lies, and to know that these lies are still at work today is heartbreaking. Also, everything I believe is being questioned. The foundations (and may i say, only the foundations) of who I am and what I believe are still firm, but everything else is is crumbling beneath me. I feel this is good, either my beliefs will be shown to be true and they will be rebuild with a stronger foundation or they will be shown false and fall away. It's a good process, but it's so hard. I feel so unstable, so lost at sea. (and I pray there is no albatross flying by my ship).
I have been learning so much here, but lack the time to really explore it throughly. A friend of mine, has been sharing his love of poetry with me and I am truly learning to love it, too. But I just don't have the time to sit and read...it really frustrates me to no end. The same is true with my film classes. I have so many ideas that I want to write down and develop, but I am lost in the chaos of school to find the time to sit write.
So as you can see, I could really use some prayer. Prayer that I would be able to sort through my emotions, prayer that I would get over this cold quickly, prayer that I could read and learn without picking up a spirit of heaviness from these books, prayer that I will find the time I need to accomplish everything, prayer that I will be able to develop the friendships I'm forming here, and most importantly prayer that I would remain steadfast and faithful to staying close to God as my life is being shaken.
So, sorry that this is not a nicer post, but this is how I am right now. Thank you for reading this and caring to get through it. I love you all.

~Karyn

Homesick

I don't know why, but suddenly I am feeling really homesick. This morning I was doing really well, but now, I just want to cry I miss home so much. Maybe it's because I finally slowed down today. I spent most of the day by myself in the library doing homework, and I guess without the social hype I realized how much I missed home. Kind of makes me afraid of slowing down, but I can't be constantly "on". Oh I don't know...I would really appreciate any prayer. I'm just having a hard time.

Questions

Jesus said that the greatest love is when someone is willing to die for a friend. Sacrificial love. It's so hard. Really. What can you do when you wake up in the night crying because you want to help the person you love but don't know what to do? How can you give more when you've already given all you have? How can you give the situation to God, when you care so much you're afraid to let go?

I don't know. And i've been pleading with God to help me, but sometimes i just don't know what to do.

If you guys could be praying, I'd really appreciate it.

The Heart of Worship

Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised! - Psalm 48:1

To live a life that is a constant praise to God - that's my goal in life. I want my every action to worship Him and bring Him glory. It's a lofty goal and one I'll never be able to accomplish fully on this earth, but i sure want to give it a good shot.

But how exactly does it work? I mean, how can we worship God in everything we do? Some things just don't lend themselves to feelings of worship: chores, cleaning up after the dog, dealing with difficult people. We all have our lists of things we don't like doing. So how can we worship God while doing these things?

I think it has a lot to do with the attitude with which we approach the situation. When I'm dealing with a difficult person (personally one of the hardest times for me to worship God) my initial reaction is to just tell them off. I can't tell you how fast cutting remarks jump into my head and try to get out of my mouth. Obviously, this is not a godly response, so over the years I've been learning to bite my tongue (a few times quite literally).

Well, that keeps me from sinning, but I felt God challenging me to go even further- not to just keep from sinning, but to worship Him in that situation. I wasn't really sure how to do that so I asked him to help me and (as always) He did.

He started by explaining that I needed to see the situation the way He did. Dealing with these people was not a hassle to get away from as quickly as possible but an opportunity to show God's love to someone. I asked God to show me His heart for these people and help me love them. Slowly, ways to encourage them began to come to my mind instead of cutting sarcasm. In fact, I started to get excited when a disagreeable person came my way because I knew it was a chance for me to try to encourage them. I even found myself thanking God for the conversation...and then I realized it - I was worshiping God! Not with a song singing "Hallelujah, praise Jesus!" but in my actions and attitudes that were honoring God and the thankfulness that had found it's way into my heart.

Now do I treat every person God brings my way as He wants me to? Unfortunately, no. But with God's help my heart towards them is changing and becoming a heart of worship.

The great thing is, this attitude of worship is not confined to showing God's love to annoying people. It can apply to any aspect of life! As I mentioned before, we've all got our lists of things we hate. I would encourage you to pick something off that list (be it washing the dishes to respecting your parents even when their decisions don't make sense) and ask God to show you His heart for the situation. As you seek His heart He will change yours and before you know it, you'll be worshiping Him through your actions. It's not an easy journey, seriously it's one of the most trying things God's asked me to do, but the reward is well worth it.

Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised!

Singing in the Rain

At church yesterday, a guy in our church had this picture from God about a giant shower head that was gushing water (representing God's joy) over us. Then he saw us all dancing like Gene Kelly did in "Singing in the Rain" in the rain of God's joy. Afterwards, God reminded a lady of how Gene Kelley at one point turned his umbrella upside down to catch the rain. In the same way, we should catch God's joy and pour it out over ourselves and those people around us.

So get your umbrellas and start "singin' and dancin' in the rain!"

Do you see him?

Imagine the face of your best friend.
Do you see them?
That quirky smile, the funny way their nose crinkles when they laugh.
Do you see them?

Now think about how you feel about them.
Can you feel the love you have for them in the deep in your soul?
Don't read the rest of this until you do.

Now imagine a soldier coming to your friend and beating them across the face.
Their teeth crunch, their skin splits across their cheek, hot, wet blood pulses out with each heartbeat.
Do you see them?
A group of soldiers brutally beats them.
Fists rain down so quickly, it's impossible to distingush one blow from the other.
Their head pounds, blood flows from their mouth, their nose.
Do you see them?

Led into a public square, your friend is whipped.
The whip slices through the air and tears the flesh off his back.
Slicing with knife-like accuracy, the whip tears his back into the pattern of an overused cutting board.
Do you see him?

Do you see him? Becasue he is doing this for you.
You, I, deserved to be there.
But instead our friend takes our place.
Do you see him?

Laid on a slab of coarse wood, a heavy nail is hammered between his bones.
The muscle and tendons beneath part and break.
The screams of pain and agony are heard far from this place of unbearable torture.
Do you see HIM?

Oftentimes, we hear the story of the suffering and death of Jesus that we can forget what it means. We know something so well, we stop understanding. Our ears grow deaf, our hearts numb. God gave me this picture last night as I was praying, reminding me, refreshing me, opening my mind and heart to understand the pain and suffering that our best friend, Jesus, did so that we could find freedom. So that we would not suffer as He did. Don't let your mind forget, don't let you heart lose the realness of what He did.