~Behold, all that he has is in your hand~ Job 2:3
So I had fallen off the monkey bars [read post below for context]. Here was my problem…Job. I have never been so emotionally struck reading a book before. I cried and cried while reading the book [at this point I want to thank Katelynn Camp for her kindness in letting me cry on her futon]. I was at a breaking point when I opened up that book. My mom’s cancer was at a critical point excruciating pain forever in her voice over the phone, my sister had been talking to me just a few days ago, locked in her room with a 103 degree fever, shaking and crying because she was so afraid she would get my mom sick and that she would die. My Dad was overworked, trying to hold 2-3 jobs at a time just to pull my family through. I had finally begun to address personal issues in my life, and I was overwhelmed, convicted, condemned and afraid. I wanted things to settle down, but my family’s track record was not in favor of such. How did I know if once we got through this major illness, another one would not follow closely after its heels as it so often did? What the heck was God doing? Didn’t he see how my parents had sacrificed everything to serve him? How could he let a child so young as my little sister was suffer through such horrible pain and social stigma?
And then came Job…with his gut-wrenching questions of God. If I was feeling like I was suffering, how great the pain and sorrow of this dear man of God must have been. To have lost so much, so quickly. Where was the sin that he had committed? Job knew he was blameless before God, a man of righteousness, he had not horrendous sin to atone for [not to say he was perfect…but he was not hiding idols in his tent or some other gaping-hole-in-the-earth-swallows-man-and-family type of sin]. And his friends ramble and rant. And God stays silent.
The crucial problem that I have with this book lies in chapters 1-2. In the beginning of the book, as you all know, God and Satan talk. The conversation goes like this [abridged from ESV]: The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth…” “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away evil?” “Does Job fear God for no reason?...You have blessed the work of his hands…but stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” “Behold, all that he has is in your hand.”
Okay, so correct me if I was wrong, but it seemed like God was almost taunting Satan with Job. Why does He even bring Job up at all? To show off about how great some of his followers are? And if perhaps I am going too far here…in 2:3 God admits that Satan “incited me against [Job]. Why does Satan have this sort of ability? Should God, the almighty God, be able to be incited by Satan? What is God up to? It feels as if Milton is right that God is just using humanity to get one up on Satan. God could not possibly be so petty. And also, for those of you who have always heard [as I have] that Satan was the one who caused the suffering but God simply stood by and allowed it to happen…nay. In 42:11 the scripture says [and this is the narration not a person speaking…since many times in this book people say things that are quite faulty] “[they] comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him”. The context of this verse is at the very end, after Job has repented and given sacrifices to atone for his sinful friends and the Lord is restoring Job’s fortunes. So in the context of this seemingly resolved situation, God is given full, active responsibility for this suffering and evil. It sets up God as the giver of evil. Not Satan. And I had…and honestly still have…no idea what to do with this.
How do I trust a God who does this sort of thing? Who seems to allow so much suffering in my own life and in the lives of my dear friends. And my faith was shaken. For I had not ever truly believed and had firm foundation that God was good. I had been taught as much…but when it came to it, I don’t think I believed it. Or else, would I have been so shaken. And these questions seemed insurmountable. And God’s answer was only “I am God, you are man” and a rebuke for seeking to understand the ways of God. How could this be enough for Job? Who only chapters before [9-10] had complained that it is impossible to bring a suit before God, for who could judge God and tell Him he was unjust or unfair. The account would forever go unanswered, because he is so much more powerful than we. So if God was unjust, who could stop Him? Perhaps the best way to avoid suffering was to follow the Greeks and try to be just pious enough to avoid disdain or pleasure. Then at least God would leave you alone and not boast about you to Satan and then have your children all killed and land destroyed. When considered in human reasoning, this seems the best course of action.
But then, I knew that was wrong. So what was I supposed to do? How was I to trust God? I felt lost and turbulent and so lost not having the foundation of faith that I had always clung to in the past….
This past semester has been trying to say the least. I have been truly tested in my faith in God. I used to think that I trusted in God...until I realized I didn't. Have you ever had one of those moments when you were certain you could do something, knew how to handle it perfectly [or at least sufficiently] only to realize that you couldn't do so at all? It's one of those moments like when you were in Kindergarten and the 3rd graders were all going across the monkey bars and you know for a fact you can do it too. So you climb the ladder and reach your tiny hand to grab ahold of the first bar. You grip tightly. Confidence rises...you know that you can do it. You swing forward onto your next hand, you've got this. Another hand and it keeps going...but suddenly your strength begins to fail. Your fingers slip. Stubbornly you try to grip tighter, but it's too late. You feel sick as the bar begins to slip away. Your feet kick, as if they can help to push you back up. But no use. Finger by finger you slip. Shame washes over you before your last finger even slips from the bar. Your eyes are hot with unshed tears. And then the fall. Hardly noticeable. The pain from the fall is nothing compared to the overwhelming shame and guilt. Then you run. Run from the embarrassment. Run to save face as best you can. Run to feel your shame alone.
